[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kanye Turns Antisemitic Dross into Dollars

Kanye West doubles down on his antisemitic brand, launches “Haayt’s Peach” organic supermarket chain.

Ye (formerly Kanye West) is apparently looking to financially rebound from sponsor defections by turning his antisemitic dross into dough.

antisemitic Kanye
Ye (formerly Kanye West). Image by David Shankbone – Own work, Public Domain.

“This is my new empire,” proclaims a proud, blue tuxedo-clad Ye at the opening of his flagship Haayt’s Peach organic supermarket, in Los Angeles. “Look out Fortune 500, I’m going to be number one. Sixty more locations opening this week,” he continues. According to The Financial Times, high-end food stores that cater to the diversity in antisemitic appetites are a recipe for success.

Ye provides an Opening Day tour of some of the food items made by and for the antisemitic community.

Ye guides us to an aisle-long display of Ku Klux Kanned Soups. The famous white label and blazing cross promise racially pure ingredients, undiluted by additives or foreign spices, and certified not kosher. “No matzo balls in these babies. That’s for sure,” says Ye. He then points to the Mussolini-brand pastas and sauces. “One bite and you feel like deporting certain people . . . (antisemitic rant). You know what I mean?”

It is clear that Ye is most proud of his own brand of canned vegetables. Suddenly breaking into song, his Grammy-winning baritone inhabits the store. “From the val-ley of the jol-ly . . . (extended antisemitic rant) . . . Black Giant!”

The ingenious product mix, designed to draw both black and white antisemitic shoppers is nowhere better displayed than in the Haayt’s Peach dairy section. There, side by side, shoppers can browse the Malcom X-size brown eggs or Proud Boys array of white yogurts. “Many folks like the Lilly-White flavor. Pasty-Face is good too,” says Ye. One aisle over, the ice cream cooler is stocked with alt brands such as: Neo-Nazi Neo Ice Cream (neo-dairy) and Aryan Nations White Rainbow. Ye confesses, “My guilty pleasure is their White Trash flavor. Beats the hell out of Rocky Road, which we know is a pawn of the international conspiracy . . . (increasingly agitated antisemitic rant with loosely connected ideation).

The meat section features Hamas Hams, flash-braised in rocket launchers and ready for the dinner table. The frozen Taliban goat burgers are a product of Afghanistan’s famous PhD program for women. A pair of black, Eichmann ovens power up the bakery to produce the finest delicacies this side of Auschwitz. Deli section specials include David Duke’s Deli Slices, in square cut or swastika shape, plus Grandma Ayotollah’s Fresh Finger Foods (with all-natural fingers). The produce section features ISIS-brand fruits and vegetables grown with their patented, blood-enriched fertilizer.

Shoppers can pick up a free Louis Farrakhan shopping bag. Though the original Louis Vuitton logo is still visible, Ye explains that he is “reclaiming the brand for oppressed minorities in America.” When asked how he could “reclaim” something that was made in France for a worldwide market, Ye mutters “spaceships” and instead explains his marketing strategy.

“We’re going to be doing a lot of cross promotion in the community. Like sponsoring Kyrie Irving’s exciting Anti-Semite Film Festival. And we’re reaching out to the community with in-store specials, like ten percent off for all Nation Of Islam members. Mel (Gibson) is coming by for the ribbon-cutting at our Boise location.”

When asked about the current furor over his hate speech, Ye reflects, “Like James Baldwin (African-American writer) said, ‘the powerless, by definition, can never be racists’. Racism equals prejudice plus power. People of color do not have power here. I’m black so I’m a powerless victim too. So, I can never be racist no matter what I say. I get a get a free pass, baby. And if certain people don’t like it . . . (extended and angry antisemitic rant with additional references to spinach moons, the Marx Brothers and quadratic equations).

Whatever else might be said or written about Kanye West or Ye, it is evident that the man is an alchemist in turning dross into dollars. Canada’s version of Ye is Laith Marouf. He collected over six hundred thousand dollars in federal anti-racism funding for his Community Media Action Center, all the while continuing to express vitriolic antisemitic statements. This is small change compared to Ye the alchemist.

David Wollman