[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Original Barbie is Back: Klaus Barbie, ‘The Butcher of Lyon,’ Goosesteps into Toy Stores

Third Reich Toys in Argentina is reintroducing the Klaus Barbie doll to a new generation of anti-Semites.

Spurred on by Mattel’s Billion Dollar Barbie movie and product sales, Third Reich Toys (Argentina) is reintroducing the Klaus Barbie doll to a new generation of anti-Semites. This infamous Barbie was a German officer of the SS for Hitler.

Klaus Barbie
The Far Right’s Nazi fave, Gestapo officer Klaus Barbie is back and pretty in pink. Public Domain.

With an updated “now” look, Klaus Barbie is sporting a tapered, pink Nazi tunic adorned with a rainbow swastika, and paired with stiletto-heeled jackboots. Of course, being Barbie, he comes with a fantastic closet of fashionista outfits for every occasion: beach party, torture, executions, looting art and jewelry. And Klaus Barbie has more accessories than any Barbie, anywhere, including a plastic concentration camp, zyklon gas canisters, and a variety of pastel-colored, 8-round Luger pistols.

Klaus Barbie comes with fun friends, too. There’s Secret Service Sam, the U.S. spook who saves Barbie from war crimes trials in France, by employing him to prop up an anti-communist dictator in Bolivia. K-K-Karl is a white-hooded, gender fluid, not-a-rocket-scientist, who thinks MAGA is a Trump-owned fast food chain serving extra-large burgers. And there’s Mistah X of the Nation Of Islam. He loves warm chats on rainy days with an imaginary lover, and a goblet of chilled Manischewitz in his other hand.

Third Reich Toys Marketing Director, Adolph Eichmann lll, rants about Klaus Barbie’s appeal to the diversity within the anti-Semitic community. “Our blitzkrieg campaign will create a market dominance that will last . . . a thousand years!”

Key to that goal is the development of a Klaus Barbie feature movie, in time for a Kristallnacht 2024 (November 9th) release date. Insiders report that Alice Walker and Nick Fuentes are developing a script, and that apparently Mel Gibson has agreed to direct. Rumors have the plot involving Klaus Barbie’s attack on Mattel’s Jewish-controlled Barbie Land (creator Ruth Handler was Jewish), using a beam from outer space solar generators. “It’s kind of like Oppenheimer, only without Jews,” says executive producer Dave Chappelle. “I’m not anti-Semitic myself, but look at all the Jews in the international doll industry!”

There is no word yet on casting, though producer Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) has announced, “We’re guided by woke consciousness and will only cast anti-Semites to play anti-Semitic characters.” Co-producer, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) enthused, “You see, Ilhan, bipartisanship can work in America! We just all need to get after the Jews!”

David Wollman