[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Indictment Unsealed in Georgia Case

Much anticipated indictment unsealed by Georgia District Attorney Fani Willis, but Trump remains unfazed.

According to Fulton County, Georgia District Attorney Fani Willis, ex-president Donald J. Trump and 18 others engaged “in a conspiracy, as an effort to change the outcome of the results of the 2020 presidential election in Georgia.” This is the gist of charges made by an Atlanta grand jury in a 41-count indictment unsealed yesterday. 

Trump indictment unsealed, clown car
Trump-era lawyers arrive to great fanfare. Photo by Lauren, flickr.com, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

When asked if he’d read it, Ron DeSantis spokesman Saren Gheti said that the Florida Governor and presidential candidate was occupied with pressing the flesh at the Iowa State Fair. She said that he is waiting for PragerU, a conservative viewpoint promoter he relies on for all his news, to release a video on the indictment.

Chris Christie, reached at his private table at the Trenton Hooters restaurant, remarked that “Trump was such an effing idiot” that Christie “expected no less of him.”

Aside from the ex-president, those charged in the RICO case included former Trump-era lawyers Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, and John Eastman; and former Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, and others, who all appeared at the courthouse today, climbing out of a clown car.

Security was tight, including large orange barriers that were arrayed adjacent to the courthouse. Texas Governor Greg Abbott was heard asking where he could secure some of the plastic barriers, in order to complete additional strings of buoys on the Rio Grande River. Abbott remarked to observers that he required at least 2000 miles of such barriers in order to secure the Texas border.

The Racketeering Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act was instituted on the federal level in 1970 as an effort to stymie organized crime and mafia figures. RICO, Georgia style, differs from the federal law, in that the time constraints are not the same, and in that a single individual may be charged.

Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis, who convened the grand jury, enjoys a rich and colorful history of prosecuting RICO cases. One of her grand juries returned 56 counts against rapper Young Thug and another returned some 25 counts against Georgia school teachers who were charged with falsifying scores on standardized tests. Another recent well-known RICO case was the 2022 case against singer R. Kelly, who was sentenced to 30 years in prison for trafficking in teen sex workers. Contacted by telephone, Donald Trump remarked that “my buddy, Jeffrey (Epstein) was accused of the same thing and that was a witch hunt, too.”

Appearing on Fox affiliate WAGA (channel 5) on Monday, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R. SC) made a heartfelt plea for compassion for the ex-president. “Please,” he sobbed, “Donald Trump is innocent; send him a few dollars and if you can’t afford a dollar, then pray, pray, pray, for Fani Willis to have a heart attack.”

Reached at his Fuhrerbunker in nearby Sandy Springs, a well-to-do suburb of Atlanta, Trump was asked how he felt about the efforts of his most recent nemesis, Fani Willis, to indict him.

“Well,” he said, more circumspect than usual, “she is a negro; I guess you got to expect it.” When a reporter commented that Fani was a Swahili word meaning “prosperous,” Trump pounced, accusing Willis of being “not even an American. She’s from one of them shithole countries! I wanna see her birth certificate!” he exclaimed, enraged, till Walt Naute, his valet, administered animal tranquilizers to the former chief executive. Before he collapsed, Trump muttered, “Willis is a frickin’ fascist.”

Political pundits have speculated that this latest round of indictments may well be the tipping point in Trump’s political and legal fortunes. He has previously been indicted for interfering in federal elections by fomenting insurrections (Washington D.C.); falsifying business records (New York); and mishandling classified federal documents (Florida).

However, such conjectures seem unfounded, as the ex-president’s popularity has only soared with each successive indictment unsealed. Trump himself remarked on the phenomenon: “If only I can get indicted in Georgia, then I can wrap up the nomination, if not the general election.” Trump enthusiast Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA) remarked, “I’m all for the Donald: yeah, man. I’d drink his bath water!”

Speaking to the press following the unsealing of the indictments, Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis said that she gave the accused an opportunity to surrender themselves in Atlanta by noon on August 25th, and that she’d like a trial date “within the next six months.”

Trump attorney John Lauer has petitioned the court to delay trial until the beginning of 2027. “Then,” said Lauer, “save for abolishing the 22nd Amendment, the president would be ready to retire.” Willis sniffed at this and added that she would try all 19 defendents together.

Trump supporters have not been idle. Back in Washington D.C. congressional aides to Republican congressmen and senators were on the streets, passing out the home address of the Fulton County D.A., as well as wallet-sized photos of the jurist, inviting Trump acolytes to “seek justice on their own.”

Bill Tope