[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

2023 Oscars to Commemorate ‘Slap Seen ‘Round The World’

The 2023 Oscars are set to be part of a global commemoration of Will Smith’s infamous slap at comedian Chris Rock.

Sweeping changes are coming to the 2023 Oscars, the 95th in the series, to mark last year’s Will Smith spectacle, according to producers Glenn Weiss and Ricky Kirshner.

2023 Oscars, Will Smith and Chris Rock
Will Smith and Chris Rock to appear at the 2023 Oscars. Will Smith photo by TechCrunch from wikimedia.org, CC BY 2.0, Chris Rock photo by gdcgraphics, CC BY-SA 2.0.

There’s a new-look Oscar in Hollywood. The statuette will now pose the famous golden figure leaning backwards, with both arms raised to shield the face.

A new film awards category has been added: Best Slapstick Movie. Industry insiders report that Donald Trump for January 6th and Vladimir Putin for My Tiny, Special Operation are among the likely nominees. There is some concern however, about what the loser might do to exact revenge.

All of this year’s nominees, across all categories, will have the chance to step up to the podium and slap the winner as he or she receives their Oscar.

Will Smith will be honored separately in a pre-taped ceremony for being the recipient of the first-ever Slappy White Comedy Award. The award is named after Melvin Edward “Slappy” White, an African-American comedian, dancer and actor.

Oscar 2023 viewers won’t see the familiar, tightly paced format and elaborate set designs. “It’ll look a bit random. We’re going for the ‘slapped together’ look,” said Kirshner.

In keeping with the “slap” theme, the Three Stooges Tribute show will offer a live performance featuring Curly, Larry and Will. There will be a special appearance by Germany’s world-renown Gesichtplattler Folk Dance Troupe. One hundred lederhosen-clad dancers will stomp, clap and strike their thighs and knees, before slapping their partner’s face. There will also be a special tribute to Paul Newman’s beloved 1977 film, “Slap Shot”.

This year’s swag bags will feature an autographed copy of Will Smith’s new book, Will 2 Be Slap Happy. It is a self-help guide for those who wish to remain full of themselves. Also included will be a Chris Rock signature, “Bitch Slap” sports helmet for athletes or entertainers.

One thing that will not change is the pre-ceremony tradition of fellow nominees backslapping one another as a phony gesture of goodwill.

Across the nation, various events will mark the first anniversary of “The Slap.” California police will not issue speeding tickets on the day of the Oscars, just a slap on the wrist. Twenty states will slap on new taxes. Arizona will permit concealed slapping without a background check. Fortune 500 CEOs will renounce their annual bonus in favour of a slap on the back from shareholders. Architectural Digest will dedicate its March issue to the newest interior design trend, the so-called “slapped-on look.”

The 2023 NBA All Star game will unveil a “Slap Dunk” competition, in which a player slaps himself on the face while dunking the ball with the other hand. At Disney World, Florida, Mickey Mouse and Goofy will slap a lawsuit on Governor Ron DeSantis, alleging that he is an undocumented cartoon.

Commemorations around the world will include Ukraine continuing to slap Russia, Russian generals slapping President Vladimir Putin, and members of Britain’s Conservative Party slapping one another.

In Canada, Danielle Smith, the Premier of Alberta, will be slapped by the electorate for promising protection under the Alberta Human Rights Act for people who refused COVID vaccinations. Quebec anglophones will slap Premier Francois Legault for further restricting their language rights in violation of Canada’s constitutional Charter of Rights and Freedoms. A former Trump White House insider, who has vacationed in Canada, commented, “What kind of nuts do these Canadians let run their government? They need a reality slap.”

As a result of the publicity surrounding this year’s Oscars, The United Nations Population Health Project predicts a dramatic rise in the incidence of slap-and-tickle.

The 2023 Oscar Ceremony will take place on March 12th at The Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles.

David Wollman