We take you now to the much-anticipated DeSantis-Trump steel cage match, in which “DeSanctimonious” has promised to “kick Trump’s ass.”
Gordon Solie was arguably the greatest professional wrestling announcer ever. And he labored for years in The Sunshine State.
Solie brought fans wrestling news, interviews and matches through “Championship Wrestling from Florida,” a TV show.
Sadly, Solie is long gone. However, he took time out from his busy schedule in Heaven to share his wisdom exclusively with the Humor Times. So, please enjoy these highlights.
Yes, Fans, it’s Trump vs. DeSanctimonious
Solie: “Welcome to Championship Wrestling from Florida. This is Gordon Solie, making an appearance to announce this most special of matches.
“Today we feature a steel cage match exhibition between Ron DeSanctimonious and Donald ‘The Hellraiser’ Trump.
“This match was made possible by an agreement of the national Republican Party, which mandated that Florida hold the first 2024 GOP presidential primary.
“You see, basically folks, it’s a winner-takes-all match, with the loser promising to move to a country run by an authoritarian regime.
A Hammer vs. a Prayer
“However, before the match starts, we caught up with the two fierce brawlers in their dressing rooms. Watch now as Ron DeSanctimonious takes a knee in prayer. His wife, a former member of the mainstream media, splashes holy water over her devout, anti-woke husband. For context, a campaign ad this year claimed the Florida governor is a fighter for God.
“Meanwhile, in a separate room, Donald ‘The Hellraiser’ Trump is busy packing illegal objects into his wrestling trunks. You can see Donald Trump Jr. handing his dad what appears to be a hammer, which may have been used in the attack on Paul Pelosi. Trump and his son are heard chanting, “It’s rigged. It’s rigged.”
But the pre-fight portion of the show ends abruptly, as Solie tells his audience, “DeSanctimonious gave this wrestling correspondent his thoughts. He said, ‘Trump’s Red Wave went AWOL this week. So, he can get in the squared circle with me, if his bone spurs don’t act up. But I promise you, I’ll kick the coward’s ass.'”
A Crimson Mask
Now, finally, after a Solie-trademark low-key buildup, the match begins.
We see Donald “The Hellraiser” Trump pulling an object from his wrestling trunks. He starts yelling, “DePape, DePape” as he pounds away at DeSanctimonious.
Then Solie interjects, “You can see the crimson mask on DeSanctimonious’ face as The Hellraiser continues to pound away. It appears to this observer that DeSanctimonimous is being struck with a hammer.
“But fans in the auditorium start chanting ‘Freedom, Freedom’ before the lights go out.
“However, when a light from above shines down on the ring, DeSanctimonious is pinning The Hellraiser.
“What a match,” Solie concludes. He adds, with a wink, “So long, from the Sunshine State!”
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