[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kari Lake Proclaims She’s the Real Governor of Arizona

After her “rightful inauguration as the real Governor,” Kari Lake vows to throw her enemies in jail.

The loser in the Arizona gubernatorial race, Kari Lake, says she’s actually the honest-to-God winner, proclaiming herself to be the “real Governor” and next chief executive of the state.

real governor
Lake camping out, waiting for the “truth to be revealed” and to get installed as the “real Governor.”

“It’s an unspeakable crime what happened and after Kari Lake is legitimately installed as the real governor, I’ll put in jail all those state election officials who cheated me out of my victory. Believe me, once Kari Lake is in office, she’ll make sure that happens,” Lake said referring to herself in the third person at a news conference held outside the Arizona state capital building in Phoenix.

Speaking of Phoenix, Lake is presently living in a pup tent on the lawn outside the state capital in anticipation of being installed as the “rightful” governor of Arizona. Sometimes, as a change of pace, she stays in an RV at a trailer park not far from downtown Phoenix where she has set up a “Protest the Fraud” headquarters manned by her loyal supporters.

Lake said everyone agrees that she was cheated out of winning by the “woke communist” Arizona officials who fraudulently prevented thousands of her supporters from voting. Those “imbecile” officials, Lake said, are running a “banana republic.”

Lake said former President Donald Trump, one of her biggest allies, totally agrees that the Arizona election on November 8 was stolen from her and that he plans to soon hold a protest rally in Phoenix to demand that she be legally pronounced as governor.

Trump said that his very presence in Phoenix as the real president of the United States will ensure that many hundreds of thousands of people will attend the rally.

Trump said it was a “disgrace” that Kari Lake, like what happened to him during the 2020 presidential election, was cheated out of winning by Antifa, socialists, and the “biased and corrupt left-wing media.”

“With Donald Trump being there, it’ll be the biggest rally anyone’s ever seen in Arizona history, okay?” said Trump from his Mar-a Lago estate in Florida. “Kari Lake is a wonderful person and the best thing about her is that she adores and admires Donald Trump and everything we’re doing to Make America Great Again. And besides, she’s pretty good looking, not as great as my babe wife Melania, but pretty good, 8 out of 10. Okay?”

Lake, in her customary sweet gracious manner, said the world knows her Democratic opponent and alleged victor in the race for governor, Katie Hobbs, is a “monster.”

“She couldn’t have won,” said Lake, “the people of Arizona are smarter than that to elect such a phony.” Lake said that she expects the judicial courts to soon rule that Katie Hobbs should be thrown out “on her ass” if she even attempts to take power in Arizona.

Lake forecast that in the event Hobbs dares to go stand on the platform at the inauguration ceremony as governor, she will stage a counter-inauguration ceremony on her own platform on the State Capitol grounds.

The former TV news anchorwoman said as governor she will order local law authorities to haul Hobbs away from the inauguration stage in handcuffs where a state police patrol car will be waiting to drive her to the city jail. Asked what laws Hobbs broke to be incarcerated, Lake accused her opponent of being a “pervert” who should have been put in jail long ago.

Once she’s in office, Lake said she will call a special session of the Arizona legislature to investigate the alleged crimes that she claims were committed by state election officials. Once they’re convicted, Lake said she will grant herself the power to sentence them to 20-to-life prison terms, unless she decides, in order not to waste taxpayer’s time and money, they should just all be executed by firing squad.

“It’s the least we can do ensure fair and honest elections in the future,” said Lake, where she stopped to speak to reporters at a shopping mall while picking out a special inauguration gown and new platform pumps that would best fit into how people describe her as “Trump in Heels.” Lake said her gown will be an orange shade for the occasion, to honor the esteemed presence at the ceremony of Donald Trump and his orange hair.

Asked by the media whether she will commit to serving out her four-year term as governor, Lake said that was her “intention.” She would have to “pray on it’ if she would accept Trump’s possible invitation to run as his vice president for the 2024 presidential campaign.

Lake told the media that she’s just starting her term as governor “so stop asking me all these stupid questions.”

Apparently, that answer didn’t satisfy the pesky media’s irritating inquiries on whether she would commit to finishing her term, upon which Lake turned on her heels and said to the media in her usual low-key and welcoming way, “why don’t you all just go jump in the lake.”

Eric Green