[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Attack Dog Congressman Morphs into Werewolf, Tape Reveals

According to newly revealed secret info, a certain “attack dog congressman” in Washington, D.C. turns into a werewolf at night.

Known by day as a rabid attack dog congressman who makes it look easy to destroy his liberal political enemies, Rep. Jim Jordan transforms at night into a flesh-eating werewolf. This according to a new video tape that provides intimate personal details about the conservative congressman. The tape has not yet been independently verified.

attack dog congressman werewolf
“Attack dog congressman” turns into werewolf at night, new info reveals.

Who it was that released the tape and for what reason remains unclear. But the tape reveals what may sound unbelievable — that this Republican pit bull of Congress becomes a nocturnal werewolf scaring the living daylights out of his Democratic arch-rivals on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C.

The Ohio Congressman has achieved a sterling reputation of making mincemeat of his opponents while looking disheveled in his customary white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, often with the shirt’s top button unfastened at the neck. He looks like the little kid among adults with his suit jacket taken off while sitting among his colleagues who wear severe funeral-appropriate dark business attire during House committee hearings.

Especially unreal but happens to be the God-honest truth is that Jordan’s suit jacket has its own Twitter account, which says morosely, “all I want is to be worn.” For why Jordan doesn’t wear a jacket, one of those Communist U.S. newspapers suggested it was because he gets overheated when interrogating uncooperative witnesses at Committee hearings, as would be expected if you’re a werewolf with too much fur on your body.

Some people might not be all that shocked that based on his mad-dog daytime appearance, at night he becomes this roving, growling beast submerged in swamps, forests and castles near towns seeking life-sustaining nourishment in the form of human flesh.

In the confidential video tape that was never supposed to see the light of day, Jordan disclosed that his secret life-long ambition was to play himself as a supernatural vampire in a horror movie, arising from the dead at night to drink the blood of the living by biting their necks with long pointed canine teeth. In the tape, Jordan said it was a vampire he always wanted to be and not a werewolf for one simple understandable reason: Werewolves are mortal and get old just like humans while vampires don’t age and are immortal.

“I could have lived forever if fate had gone my way letting me be a vampire,” Jordan lamented in the tape. “But I guess that’s the breaks, or as we say back home in Urbana, Ohio, where I was born, c’est la vie.”

Perhaps inspired by Rep. Jordan’s werewolf alter ego, Herschel Walker, the ex-football star and losing candidate in the recent run-off election for Georgia senator revealed (and I’m not making this up either) his own enlightening thoughts about the werewolf vs. vampire comparison. Walker told reporters, in totally normal comments like anybody aspiring to become a U.S. Senator would say, that he had dreams of becoming a werewolf, particularly because he had just recently found out that a werewolf can kill a vampire, although some negative types might refute that idea.

“Vampires are some cool people, are they not?” asked Walker during one of his campaign stops for Senator, which might explain in part why he was such a deserving candidate for high office. He added, however, that werewolves were more his style in that they have a predilection to eat the flesh of their enemies.

In a brilliant statement that made perfect sense to anybody with half a brain, which leaves out of course the “stupid woke” news media scratching their heads of what exactly he meant, Walker added that “you gotta have a stake, gotta have a thing to kill him in the heart,” presumably meaning by “him” vampires and not your friendly homeowner next-door neighbor Joe Blow, although who really knows for sure even for those with half a brain.

Meanwhile, Jordan, a former wrestling coach, leaves no choke holds barred in delighting in pinning his Democratic foes to the proverbial mat.

In that regard, Jordan stands to become the next chairman of the Judiciary Committee in the House of Representatives since his Republican Party has regained control of that chamber following the results of the November midterm elections.

In this role, he has pledged to investigate officials at the U.S. Dept. of Justice, Dr. Anthony Fauci of Covid-19 fame, President Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden, not to mention the President himself, and anything else that walks on two feet. In the secret tape just released, Jordan says he can’t wait to dig his “teeth” into the investigations, something he has great experience doing as a werewolf.

Whether Jordan’s victims survive the ordeal or not, one thing is for certain. The Congressman will continue to draw ridicule from the half-baked Communist press, who in a too-easy putdown of his being a lackey for former President Donald Trump, call him Trump’s “national champion dog” and the “Mar-a-Lago mutt,” named after Trump’s lavish residence in South Florida.

Members of the media better watch out lampooning this particular hard-charging Congressman for he may come after them in the middle of the night, especially if there’s a full moon above, doing what werewolves have an insatiable need to do.

Eric Green