[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

January 6 Committee Recommends Donald Trump Be Burned at the Stake

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Committee says Trump should be burned at the stake for attempting to use witchcraft to overturn the 2020 presidential election.

Its two-year investigation culminating in a final report, the congressional January 6 Committee has recommended that former president Donald Trump be burned at the stake for attempting to use witchcraft to overturn the 2020 presidential election and have himself declared the winner.

Burned at the stake
Witch hunt accomplished. By Pyotr Yevgenyevich Myasoyedov (1867-1913), Public Domain.

The committee made referrals to the Justice Department, saying that Trump should be prosecuted for crimes such as insurrection, fraud and obstruction.

Committee co-chairman Liz Cheney stated that they have wrapped up the witch hunt Mr. Trump was so afraid of, and have concrete proof that he attempted to overturn the election using witchcraft.

The referrals state that that Mr. Trump had contacted SNN’s official witch doctor, Dr. Sweet Mama Doorite, to purchase such modern day witchcraft weapons as digital Gooba Dust and chicken blood NFTs.

He also went online to the Witch’s R Us website to learn how to concoct a spell to spread over congress and have himself declared the winner, the committee asserts.

To execute their recommendation, the committee reactivated the long-dormant 1620 Massachusetts Cotton Mather Law, which condemns witches to be burned at the stake.

Ms. Chaney indicated that she would be available to throw the first torch.

SNN Words To Live By

“He who liveth by the sword shall get stucketh.” — Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx), Sanford and Son TV show.

“If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.” — TV announcer Dandy Don Meredith, Monday Night Football.

Ted Holland