Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/17/23

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Halle Berry posing nude on her balcony, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Halle Berry balcony
Halle Berry enjoying some sun on her balcony.

Halle Berry poses nude while drinking wine on her balcony

Putin: “Damn, all I can see from my porch is Sarah Palin’s house…”

Moody’s has downgraded the Israeli credit rating from positive to stable

Moody’s should change its name from Moody’s to Meshugana.

Train derails in Montana spilling Coors into a river

The fish won’t be able to tell the difference.

Joe Biden in Ireland: President says Mayo is ‘part of my soul’

Although, for his health, he might want to lay off having it with too many carbs.

Kim Kardashian will star in ‘American Horror Story’

Ironically, which was also the original name of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Florida has been covered by an enormous, smelly, red wave

… and there’s the seaweed thing, too.

Pete Davidson to guest host SNL

Which means, afterwards, he’s going to take advantage of himself.

Belgium remains the cocaine capital of Europe

Why do you think those waffles are so addictive!?

Happy 76th birthday David Letterman

That’s 532 in Stupid Pet Trick years!

Pandemic pounds push 10,000 U.S. Army soldiers into obesity

Or, as the extra pounds are known ‘The COVID 19.’

Sea levels rising rapidly in southern U.S., study finds

Trump on danger to Mar-a-Lago: “So, what? I’m used to having my businesses underwater.”

Delta loses $363 million but says travel demand still strong

It’s probably with my luggage!

Lobsterman reels in strange metallic catch, Maine police say

Little known fact: Lobsterman’s kryptonite is hot butter sauce.

Matt Taibbi, after fight with Elon Musk, is now on Truth Social

… Guess he wanted some time alone …

Paul Lander
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