Attorney General Merrick Garland Talks

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Attorney General Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock under your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Trump has been indicted twice. Today on the show my guests are Attorney General Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam.

Attorney General Merrick Garland, DonkeyHotey — Attorney General Merrick Garland, caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning, gentlemen.

YOSEMITE SAM

I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that’s ever crossed the Rio Grande. And I ain’t namby-bamby!

JERRY

I hear ya. You’re a putz.

YOSEMITE

Thanks for the compliment, amigo.

JERRY

Hi Merrick.

AG MERRICK GARLAND

Yosemite sounds like a Proud Boy. I convicted five of those feces.

YOSEMITE

I am proud, boy. I have a huge following of Trumpers on my social media called Rubes for Boobs. We support Republican candidates runnin in the 2024 election. Last night, a group of us went huntin for rabbits. Didn’t bag one. Shucks, I’m dyin for rabbit stew.

MERRICK

Will you settle for matzo ball soup? It’s my bubbie’s recipe.

YOSEMITE

You mean your bubba.

JERRY

Folks. Have you ever had one of those days when you’re holding a stick and everybody looks like a pinata?

MERRICK

No. My bubbie. It’s a Yiddish word for grandmother.

YOSEMITE

I don’t know anything about them British except their teeth are messed up. Just look at Queen Camilla. Her teeth are so jacked they look like a toolbox of rusty nails.

JERRY

At least she has teeth. My Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.

YOSEMITE

Duncan, I’m warnin ya! One more crack and I’m gonna fire buckshot into your rear end.

JERRY

Yosemite. I’m curious. Why did you grow a mustache?

MERRICK

I know. Because he wanted to look like his mother.

YOSEMITE

I’ll blast your head off, four eyes.

MERRICK

(imitates Elmer Fudd’s laugh) Huh-huh-huh-huh.

YOSEMITE

I’m campaigning door to door for Trump. We want to reach the school dropouts. He promises to give them Walmart greeter jobs. Let’s Make America Great Again.

JERRY

Do you know the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

YOSEMITE

No.

JERRY

About 200 pounds.

Yosemite pulls out a pistol and fires.

YOSEMITE

I warned ya, wise guy. Dance!

Fires the gun again.

YOSEMITE

Dance for your supper!

JERRY

Okay. But don’t have a meltdown. I have two left feet.

The studio door bursts open. Bugs Bunny enters. Yosemite stops firing.

BUGS BUNNY

Ehhh. What’s up, Doc?

JERRY

Trump just got indicted in Florida by the Feds. Tell him, Merrick.

MERRICK

Yes. A 37-count indictment.

BUGS

Cool.

YOSEMITE

What?! I can’t even count that high.

MERRICK

Donald Trump defrauded the United States. He said all classified documents hidden at Mar-a-Lago were turned over to the FBI and National Archives. It was a lie. The FBI found 300 documents. Not to mention Trump tried to overthrow the government on January 6. That’s another indictment coming up soon in DC.

YOSEMITE

(thinks) January 6. New Year’s Day?

YOSEMITE

Damn. Whenever I find the key to happiness someone changes the lock.

MERRICK

Looney Tunes. If it wasn’t for your wife, you wouldn’t be where you are today. In a psychiatric ward.

YOSEMITE

(angry) Say your prayers, varmint! I’ll be back.

JERRY

Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam everyone. See you tomorrow if Yosemite doesn’t go postal.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.