[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Elon Musk Reinstates Banned Users from X

Social platform reopened to previously banned users, including current and historical figures.

elon musk reinstates banned users, carries sink.
Elon Musk, still the funniest guy in his own imagination.

With the reinstatement of conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ account on X, platform owner Elon Musk said that was just the beginning; “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” crowed the wealthiest man on the planet, clutching a kitchen sink in his arms.

Following is the transcript of an address made by Elon Musk himself, to a captive audience of some 10,000 Tesla workers, employed at the Fremont Tesla plant outside San Francisco, CA. They were enjoying their one daily 10-minute work break. At intervals, upon a signal from Telsa brass, they applauded politely.

I am pleased that my pal Alex Jones showed those towheads at Sandy Hook for what they are — fakers. In the past, the misguided former owners of this platform banned users, including current and historical figures who never have been excluded from the site. I have absolved them, in the interest of fairness, balance, and First Amendment rights. They are:

Joseph Goebbels: Hitler’s imaginative Minister of Propaganda, Goebbels told the truth about the unutterably evil Jewish vermin. He was right to depict them on film as vile rodents scurrying through ratholes in abandoned buildings. If Goebbels were alive today, he would be in charge of X. He’s my kind of guy, a hard-hitting journalist and an avatar of the social conscience of X.

Benito Mussolini: Misunderstood Dictator of Italy. A forerunner of the modern fascist movement, Mussolini got a lot of bad press, but he made the damn trains run on time. All the rest are just details.

James Earl Ray: Convicted killer of civil rights icon Martin Luther King, Jr. Ray was a social scientist and an activist, intent on eliminating what I call the ‘dark influences’ from the American scene. Ray, who perished at 70 in Nashville, TN in 1998, supposedly died from cancer. That was the deep state’s story, but I have double-secret information that it was an inside job, perpetrated by a gang of renegade nigras! I heard this from Alex Jones, so you can take it to the bank.

Donald J. Trump: The 45th U.S. President was unfairly banned from Twitter two days after the Jan. 6, 2021, so-called insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. President Trump assured me that he had nothing to do with the minor fracas of Jan. 6, and that even if he did, he was president, and so what? I know Trump to be a man of his word, and so I take him at face value. Besides, after next November, when he thrashes old man Biden at the polls, The Donald will be president once more. And I might want a new contract with the Feds.

Okay, people, your 10 minutes are up; and if you’re late getting back to the lines, I’ll have to dock your pay. Here, somebody carry this sink back to my office.

Bill Tope
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