[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Poll of Lonely Shut-ins with Landlines Who Answer Phones Shows Trump with Slight Lead

Polls consistently show slight lead for former prez: “We love those patriots who still use landlines, don’t we?” said Trump.

A new poll from Ipsos Facto Reuters shows former reality show host and failed president Donald Trump opening up a small lead over President Joe Biden among shut-ins who have landlines in the 2024 presidential race.

Trump leads with those using landlines

The poll showed that among lonely shut-ins who actually answer their hard-wired phones, Trump is ahead 32% to 31% with 12% asking the pollster on a date, 11% yelling into the receiver “what?” repeatedly, and 10% randomly pushing buttons on their phone during the call.

The poll was conducted from March 14 through April 1. The pollsters made 12 million calls and only got 19 responses for a response rate of 0.000000000000000000002%.

“We were thrilled with the response rate,” said Tom McGillicuddy from Ipsos Facto Reuters. “Last year we made 13 million calls and only got 18 responses so this is progress.”

The poll also showed Trump dominating Biden among the poorly educated, racists, and the one fan of Vivek Ramaswamy.

“I love the poorly educated,” Trump said on the campaign trail. “In fact, If I’m elected president, I promise to make you even stupider.”

News outlets across the country, from the New York Times to CNN to MSNBC, ran with the poll results as their lead news story, completely duping the public that the race is actually close.

“We need to make sure the public thinks this race is close so they get mad and consume more news, and the politicians spend more money on ads,” said CNN head of news, Fred Terwilliger. “Everyone loves a good horse race!”

Of course, the poll is severely flawed because 99% of the population doesn’t answer calls from unknown numbers and even if they did know it was a pollster they wouldn’t answer it.

“We really have no idea what regular people think of the election, but that’s not our concern,” said McGillicuddy. “We have our shut-in results and they’re close and that’s good enough for us.

“In reality, Biden is way ahead because, I mean, come on, who in their right mind would vote for that loser?”

Dave Henry