[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Fashion Designer Creates Ultimate Protection from American Gun Violence

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

A world-famous clothes designer says she has the answer to gun violence in America.

SNN fashion reporter Insyde Ouwte says that in an exclusive interview, famous fashion designer Lumdey Lumdee Lii (“the Slobovian Tommy Hilfiger”) unveiled the ultimate in gun violence protection for fearful citizens who live in a dangerous modern-day America.

gun violence protection: bulletproof long-johns
Fashionable, yet bulletproof long johns for baby and adult.

Miss Lii stated, “The thing that will save American lives is my new Bulletproof Kevlar Underwear for men, women and children.”

Bulletproof Kevlar underwear can be obtained in long johns, briefs and boxers for men, panties, bras, girdles and pantyhose for women, and bulletproof diapers and mini long johns for kids. Even Kevlar thongs are available.

Miss Lii states that her Kevlar underwear are more effective than regular Kevlar body armor because she coats them with a secret oil made from the meat of the Purple Lip Mussel, found only on the bottom of New York City’s East River. She said that these super-repellant underwear can stop all forms of bullets as well as handgrenades and projectiles from handheld rocket launchers.

She said that her newly-invented undergarments have been battle tested by the Government troops of the Island of Poontang in their skirmishes against the VoopyFukke Rebels and that the troops suffered no casualties.

Kevlar long johns sell for 500.00. Kevlar pants shirts briefs and boxers are 250.00, bulletproof head coverings such as caps, helmets and ski masks are 125.00. Women’s under garments, bras, panties, pantyhose bathing suits, bikinis and thongs are 100.00 and children’s and bulletproof babywear sell for 25.00.

Miss Lii stated that all of her bulletproof undergarments have a 10-year or 10,000 rounds guarantee.

Breaking Sex News

Original Manuscript of Mankind’s First Sex Manual Found

According to SNN sex correspondent Miso Hornay, the original manuscript of the KootchyKura is the first sex manual known to man to have been discovered. The manuscript, written in Sandscrappe and hieroglyphics, was discovered by Israeli solders in the ruins of a bookstore in the Gaza Strip.

The KootchyKura was named after KootchyKu, the ancient Slobovian Goddess of Let’s Git It On. It was supposedly written by Pontius Leroy, widely regarded as the world’s first pimp.

Subjects covered in the manuscript include:

  • The difference between a woman and a Ramfrireekus.
  • How to make an aphrodisiac from pickled Brontosaurus horn.
  • How to make condoms from T-Rex testicles.
  • Birth control using essence of tetradactyl eggs.

SNN Words to Live By

“Get out before I kill you.” — Mildred Pierce (Joan Crawford), Mildred Pierce, 1949 film.

“Nothing is more dangerous than sincere ignorance.” — Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

“There ain’t but 2 kinds of cops — the quick and the dead.” — Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife (Don Knotts), The Andy Griffith Show, 1960’s TV series.

The Question of the Week

What is the all time greatest movie ending? (Give your answer in the comments below!)

Author’s pick: “Top o’ the world, Ma!” — James Cagney, White Heat (1949).

Ted Holland