[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Who is Lara Trump?

The scoop on the new RNC co-chair, Lara Trump.

Wed to former President Donald J. Trump’s second eldest son, Eric, Lara Trump was named in March as RNC co-chair, with the endorsement of her doting father-in-law. But really, who is the estimable Ms. Trump?

Lara Trump and Eric
Eric and Lara Trump. Photo: Max Goldberg, Trump CAUCUS, CC BY 2.0

Early Life:
Lara Trump (nee Yunaska) is a native of Wilmington, North Carolina and attended Laney H.S., where she was voted “Friendliest Girl” and noted for feats of physical strength. On several occasions, recount citations in her yearbook, she successfully “pulled a train,” said to contain up to 20 boys.

Four years later, she received her B.A. in communications from North Carolina State University where, according to her spokesperson, she graduated cum laude. Said Donald Trump: “I don’t nothing about what she studied in college, but it’s true she comes loud; at least that’s what Eric says.” University records reveal that Lara Trump graduated 237th in a class of 245 students.

Following college, Lara earned her chops as a television producer at the news program Inside Edition, the same program that former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly hosted in the early 1990s. “I learned a lot from Bill,” she confided, “including the ins and outs of sexual harassment.” Lara said this information has come in handy in dealing with Donald Trump’s “hobbies, inclinations and peccadilos.”

In 2014, Lara married Eric Trump in a civil ceremony in New York City because, she explained, “The old man was too tight to spring for a decent wedding.” The future president did not attend.

The Trump Presidency:
In 2019, Lara called German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s decision to receive refugees during the European migrant crisis “one of the worst things that ever happened to Germany.” Lost on Ms. Trump, apparently, were the First World War, WWII, and the Holocaust.

Lara Trump was among the speakers at the “Save America” rally which preceded the Jan. 6, 2021 Capitol insurrection. When asked about her participation in this event, at which she appeared alongside her husband Eric Trump, as well as the president, Lara replied, “What is there to say about a regular tourist excursion to the nation’s memorials? It was a sunny day.”

Following Donald Trump’s colorful tenure in the White House, Lara was hired by Fox News as a contributor. Less than eighteen months later, however, with the ex-president’s announcement of his campaign for reelection, Lara was let go due to a potential conflict of interest. Said Lara: “The old sonofabitch did it to me again, the miserable f___!”

Finally, in February of this year, Lara was suggested by Donald Trump as co-chair of the RNC, along with N. Carolina GOP leader Michael Whatley, whom Lara has privately characterized as “a simp.” Less than a week later, Lara went public with a pledge that, if she were to become co-chair, then “every single penny will go to Donald Trump’s campaign and legal defense fund.” Three weeks later, she was installed in office.

Head of the RNC:

Recently, the RNC filed suit in Nevada to prevent ballots received after election day from being counted. “The result of Nevada’s violation of federal law is that timely, valid ballots are diluted by untimely, invalid, Democrat ballots, which violate the very laws of man,” the suit claims. The RNC is currently participating in 88 “fair elections” suits in 25 states.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet!” declared Lara Trump, echoing a frequent remark made by her father-in-law during the present election cycle. “We’ll file suit in every county in every Blue State in the nation before we’re through,” she vowed.

Odds and Ends:
In 2019, Lara Trump, unknown before now as a singer, released a cover of Tom Petty’s I Won’t Back Down. Music critics were quoted as saying that they “wish she would.” Petty’s wife, Dana York, remarked that she was relieved that Tom, who died in 2017, “did not live to hear this. It would certainly have killed him,” she said.

Donald Trump defended his daughter-in-law’s musical ability. “She sings some things better than others,” said Trump. “You should hear her sing Far Away!”

Bill Tope
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