Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Katy Perry on Blue Origin, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Katy Perry Blue Origin — “Queen of the Stars” regretting Blue Origin dramatics. Katy Perry photo: Raph_PH, CC BY 2.0. Blue Origin capsule photo: NASA, Public Domain.

Katy Perry reportedly ‘regretting’ Blue Origin spaceflight as she ‘struggles’ with the backlash

I’m just glad they sent Katie Perry into space instead of Taylor Swift or Kanye would’ve shown up yelling that Beyoncé is more out of this world.

The dangers of a psychedelic gospel

Personally, I don’t see why religions and drugs can’t mix. I’m thinking of becoming a Crystal Methodist.

Tesla slaps $10K discounts on Cybertruck as sales skid and inventory builds up

Cybertruck is the Edsel of DeLoreans.

Trump blames Zelensky for starting war after massive Russian attack

… While Piers Morgan continues to blame Meghan Markle.

McDonald’s confirms fan-favorite Snack Wrap is coming back in 2025

… Not to be confused with Snack Rap which Snoop does after a blunt.

Second Hegseth adviser suspended amid Pentagon leak probe

… If only there was a Signal.

Tori Spelling reveals she made a sex tape with ex Dean McDermott — and why she wishes it had leaked

Perhaps … a re-bootie of 90210?

Shock link found between marriage and risk of developing dementia

What was the question again?

Kristi Noem threatens Harvard with ban on foreign student visas

I’m worried she’ll take it out next on the Yale Bulldog mascot

Lego Boss Michael Halbye Dies in Swiss Skiing Accident at 64

If anyone could be put back together, you’d think it’d be this guy. God speed.

The Who part ways with drummer Zak Starkey after three decades

If Pete Best has a drummer son, this would be a good time to even it up.

China: Nobody understands what we’re doing

That’s ’cause you’re saying it in Chinese.

Cops mistaken for male strippers at bachelorette party

Instead of cop-a-feel, it was feel-a-cop.

Congress goes on official spring break

… When what they really should be going to is detention.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)