[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Woos Black Voters

Ex-prez attempts to appeal to black voters during a campaign stop in South Carolina.

Speaking to a South Carolina convention hall crowded with his boosters, former President Donald J. Trump addressed members of the Black Conservative Federation on Saturday for 90 minutes. In seeking to appeal to black voters in the 500-member audience, Trump made repeated references to his own legal dilemmas, in which he is presently under indictment in four jurisdictions on 91 felony counts.

Trump tries to appeal to black voters
Photo: Liam Enea, CC BY-SA 2.0.

“A lot of people said that’s why Black people liked me, because they had been hurt so badly and discriminated against… maybe there’s something to it,” he observed, lifting his head and smiling winsomely. “And coloreds like my mug shot,” crowed Trump, referencing his photo taken in Fulton County last year, where Trump was indicted for attempting to overturn the Georgia elections. “It appeals to their feral, kick ass nature. Inside, I feel like I almost am Black! I could eat a rib right now, some watermelon.” The crowd cheered.

“You see Blacks wearing tee-shirts emblazoned with the mug shot: little pickaninnies and colored boys decked out in mug shot shirts and MAGA hats, extra-small, to reflect the smaller size Black heads.”

Trump said his administration was “very good for Black people,” and that his personal experience told him that “Blacks are very fine workers.” When someone in the crowd asked why less than 1% of Trump executive employees were Black, Trump didn’t miss a beat, saying that 90% of the players on his short-lived professional football team were African American. “They’re almost all from shit hole countries,” he bragged.

During his speech, Trump reiterated many of his recent inflammatory remarks, at which the crowd chuckled good-naturedly. During his introduction of Trump. Sen Tim Scott (R SC) bellowed, “He may be a white supremacist, but he’s our white supremacist.”

Speaking to the press following the event, Scott remarked that there was a grain of truth in many of the statements for which Trump has been pilloried. “For example,” he said, “George Floyd was in fact selling cigarettes without a license when he was murdered by white police officers in Minneapolis.” He added, “And Haiti and Somalia are in fact shit hole countries.” He shrugged. “You can’t get around it; it is what it is. And me and Lindsey Graham (R. SC) made a pilgrimage to Charlottesville and interviewed the principals there, and there ARE good people on both sides!”

Pop artist Kanye West also spoke to reporters and remarked that “Trump has a way with words, man,” citing Trump’s quip used during BLM protests in 2020: ‘When the looting starts, the shooting starts.’ Man coulda’ been a white rapper, bro’.”

Bill Tope