Riot Issue: Trump to Deport Los Angeles - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Special Riot Issue: Trump to Deport Los Angeles; Getting a Federal Grant to Fund a Riot; Secret to a Great Riot.

President Trump to Deport Los Angeles

Special Riot Issue Report — President Donald Trump says that he has had enough of the city of Los Angeles, “with its rioting, crime, civil disobedience and milk toast Democratic leadership.” He said he feels that LA is a “threat to the union and to Democracy,” and promised to deport the entire city and all of its residents.

However, the President has run into a problem. Nations that usually accept deportees are balking at taking Los Angelinos. El Salvador states that it will take Hollywood and Beverly Hills, but no South Central or Downtown LA.

Mr. Trump said that he has had offers from such fourth world countries as the Republic of Mulebone, Jabberwocky, the Isle of Poontang, Schnotzelvakia and the country known as “X.” LA deportations are set to begin on July 5,2025.

Pac Leader Says You Can Get a Federal Grant to Start and Fund a Riot

Dr. I. Will Gitova, Proctus Emeritus of the well-known Political Action Committee LSSS (Let’s Start Some Schitte), states that any American citizen can get a federal grant to fund and start a riot, just like the folks in LA have done.

Some rioters make 500 or 1000 dollars a day, said Dr. Gitova. Most are paid by so-called non-profits, and rioters can request up to 300 thousand dollars from the government, he said. He added, “You must use some of the money for community action projects like painting neighborhood wasp nests or buying jam boxes for the un-jammed.”

“The rest of the cash you can use to ‘Burn, Baby Burn,'” he added.

Aspiring rioters may apply to FederalCash.Riot.gov/Riot.

SNN Nutritionist Says the Secret to a Great Riot is the Proper Pre-Riot Meal

SNN chief Nutrition Reporter Sister Missy Goodburger says that the secret to being a successful rioter and looter is the proper pre-riot meal. Like a pro athlete, a pro rioter has to be fast, loose and nimble.

“If you load up on pizza and fried chicken before the riot, the cops will easily run down and snatch up your ass,” she said. Like NFL players, Goodburger advised, you should “carb up” with pancakes or pasta, and hydrate with water or Gatorade — no beer or Sneaky Pete.

Breaking Legal News

Donald Trump and Elon Musk to Settle their Differences on Cutler’s Court

Breaking Medical News

Kennedy Bans All Diseases, Will Close CDC Permanently

SNN Words to Live By

“See ya never.” — Choice Hotels TV ad.

“It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you get hit and keep moving forward.” — Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), Rocky 3.

“We done too little too much.” — Comedian Richard Pryor.

“Aman can choose his own Gods. What’s your God?” — Logan Stuart (Dana Andrews), Canyon Passage, 1946 film.

The Question

What are five things you’re gonna do when you get to Heaven? (Leave your answer in the comments below!)

Author’s five:

Say thank you, Lord.
Make love to Tina Turner.
Eat fried chicken and T-bone steak 3 times a day every day.
Hang out with the Rolling Stones if they ain’t in the other place.
Play Sam Cooke and the Soul Stirrers loud as hell… Oops!

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.