Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the 2025 NBA draft, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

2025 NBA draft held at Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn

… Or, as the Kardashians call it Tinder.

B-2 used as decoy for Iran strike mission is stuck in Hawaii

No word on where the pilots’ luggage wound up.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses once got $1 billion for NYC properties they own

… Sounds like they should’ve renamed their newspaper, ‘The Rolex Watchtower.’

Trump even more likely to defy lower courts after Supreme Court ruling

Because, let’s face it, Trump doesn’t believe in checks and balances. He’s more into bounced checks and unpaid balances.

A jellyfish isn’t an actual fish

… In the same way a ‘Dancing with the Stars’ contestant isn’t an actual star.

Woman stuck in chimney arrested

I guess it’s illegal to soot yourself.

Scientists can’t figure out if watching porn shrinks the brain or smaller brains are drawn to porn

I bet the pizza delivery guy would know.

Bill boosts super rich, hurts poor according to the CBO

Why do people care what R2D2’s fellow robot thinks? … Oh wait, never mind.

Woman accused of wearing ‘inappropriate’ outfit at Disney World

So, she showed up as Sinderella?

ADHD linked to air pollution, research suggests

Or, maybe, it’s linked to air pollution.

Happy 82nd Birthday, Carly Simon

I know you’re not so vain; but this post is about you, about you.

Trump’s bombing probably set Iran’s nuclear program back by mere months, U.S Intelligence report says

… Time for real drone strike … Send Vance to meet with Ayatollah.

Aaron Rodgers says this will probably be his last season

In fact, when asked, he stomped his leg once.

FDA recalls from market multiple brands of hummus

… I guess it’s true, ‘To err is hummus …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)