An anonymous spokesperson says Prince Andrew overcharged his libido with sugar because of a simple misunderstanding.
A source close to the British Crown reports that Prince Andrew, 65, has subsisted on cold cereal and Cracker Jack for more than forty years, hoping to find a child sex ring.
The Buckingham Palace official, who insisted on anonymity, said the prince’s well-documented sexual escapades over the entire course of his adult life had been exaggerated and misunderstood and were due to a constant sugar high.
“You must try to comprehend that as a royal, the prince missed out on the little things most children routinely enjoy,” the source said. “He’s always been a doer, don’t you see, a man of action more than a scholar. He perhaps misunderstood an expression he has often heard, with considerable consequences for his energies.”
The source said the common Anglicism “Cheerio” might have been another cause of confusion, adding that “the less said about Fruit Loops, the better.”
Prince Andrew is the younger brother of King Charles and has long been notorious for his avid pursuit of women. He was stripped of his military titles and royal prerogatives in 2021 after a New York woman sued him under New York’s Child Victims Act, claiming that billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein trafficked her to have sex with Prince Andrew when she was seventeen. The prince contended that he was innocent.
The FBI said in early July that they had dropped a probe “because we don’t know where that probe has been.”
The palace official stressed the need for tolerance and understanding.
“The prince is really just a simple lad whose conduct has been too much affected by excessive sugar intake in a somewhat muddled pursuit of the pleasures any English boy finds normal,” the source said. “After all, nothing sounds more British than ‘child sex ring.’”
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