Congresswoman: Rename Palestinian Territories

The prominent Republican says the Palestinian Territories should be renamed to align with geopolitics and God’s grand design.

Rep. Dorcas Farkas (R-Ga.) has introduced legislation that would bestow American names on the Palestinian Territories of Gaza and the West Bank “to reflect current political realities and the future Kingdom of God.”

Farkas says the Gaza Strip would be renamed the Yowza Strip, while the West Bank would be known as the Bank of America.

“Gaza is going to be ‘Yowza’ in honor of how everybody’s going to react when President Trump’s development plans turn that stinking dump into a place that’ll make Monaco look like that crappy little motor court in It Happened One Night,” Farkas said. “As for the West Bank becoming ‘Bank of America,’ I just made that up. I believe the Lord laid it on my heart. It just came to me and rolled right off my tongue like a nectar-filled doughnut.”

Farkas said it would be necessary for the Palestinian Territories’ current inhabitants to vacate the areas under discussion.

“Our ambassador, the Rev. Mike Huckabee, has said for years that we need to run all those people out of there,” Farkas said. “He’s a man of God, and he knows the vital role ethnic cleansing and seizure of property play in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”

Farkas said she believed Israel would accept the plan, including the imposition of the word “America” on the West Bank.

“Listen, once we get rid of all those filthy little rag-heads and give the place a good scouring, it’s all going to belong to the Israelis anyway,” Farkas said, “but I think we need to keep our brand active and prominent over there. Once I’ve had my way, all those scummy Mohammedan countries will know who the enemy really is. Oh, God is so good!”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has informally approved the plan, Farkas said.

“Bibi’s a sweetie,” Farkas said. “We thrashed it out in private at Blair House when he visited D.C. recently. I helped him see a lot of things more clearly than before.”

Farkas said she supported President Donald Trump’s assertion that Netanyahu’s ongoing corruption trial is a form of persecution but that she understood how the prime minister could have brought trouble on himself.

“It’s really true what they claim,” Farkas said. “He really does have a thing for pink champagne.”

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Lot Hildegard

Lot Hildegard is a former educator, news editor and corporate ghostwriter who enjoys writing country music parodies and is trying to reinvent himself in retirement as a trad jazz vocalist and clarinetist.