Hegseth to Spearhead New Alcohol Guidelines

Hegseth will tackle the administration’s growing concern about the level of alcohol consumption among Americans.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has been named point man on President Donald Trump’s efforts to revamp guidelines for alcohol consumption by Americans.

Trump announced Hegseth’s appointment yesterday to the Drink More Initiative (DMI), now in its seminal stage and designed to increase consumption of alcohol by Americans in order to glean additional tax revenues and boost the economy.

Alcohol in the U.S. is a more than $360 billion industry, making it one of the few industries out of the reach of Elon Musk. Anheuser-Busch InBev is the largest purveyor of alcoholic libations, with sales of more than $57 billion.

However, recent trends, particularly among younger adults, have pushed the percentage of U.S. residents who consume alcohol to its lowest level in 86 years. The defense secretary said this is alarming.

A Gallup poll conducted in July indicates that just 54 percent of American adults say they drink, the lowest number since Gallup began taking that measurement in 1939.

The incidence of underage drinking has virtually exploded, however, to more than 71 percent, and Hegseth said that this is good for the military.

“If we’re going to accrue a force of incentivized warriors,” Hegseth said, “then we have to recruit them young.”

Citing the high incidence of barbarity and war crimes coincident to alcohol consumption, Hegseth said Russia “would be nowhere in the Ukraine war today without exports of Trump Vodka.”

Hegseth repeated the president’s frequent denial that consumption of alcohol in any quantity is a health threat.

“Pardon my French,” he said, “and to quote President Trump, ‘This is horseshit.'”

Arriving late at a scheduled press event at a Georgetown saloon and smelling of spirits, Hegseth shared an assortment of facts about alcohol and commented on them:

“The average number of drinks consumed daily by those who consume alcohol is 2.8,” Hegseth said, “Which will about get me through breakfast on a good day.”

“Republicans consume less alcohol than Democrats, and it is incumbent upon Republicans to tipple more for the sake of the economy,” Hegseth said.

“Fewer women booze it up than men,” Hegseth said, attributing this to “the effing childless cat ladies.”

Hegseth said the proliferation of federal grants to community groups, designed to reduce drinking, has taken its toll. Fortunately, he said, the Department of Governmental Efficiency took steps to curtail those grants, and Hegseth’s task force anticipates seeing the positive effects of this action soon.

He also said that the Department of Health and Human Services is considering dropping the dietary guideline that recommends adults limit alcohol consumption to one or two drinks per day.

“Hot damn!” Hegseth said. “I knew we could count on Bobby!”

When a reporter asked if agents of ICE would be involved in the project, Hegseth said, “No thanks, I’ll take it neat.”

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.