Ode to Bill Belichick from My Fantasy Football Club

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Ode to Bill Belichick

Bill Belichick
Photo: David Shankbone, Creative Commons, CC BY 2.0.
By Ed McManis

Dear Bill Belichick, my Fantasy Football friends, well we
revere you as a genius, an icon, a stud.
You attract success and Super Bowl rings
the way Count Dracula attracts young blood.

The critics argue about the winning magic,
was it you or was it Tom Brady?
Just look at the facts, we say; he got dumped
by Gisele and you? You’re bopping that hot lady.

Yes, we know, we know, it’s her…intellect,
her business acumen, charitable spirit and high IQ.
And when did you discover these gifts?
When she was 19, 20, or maybe twenty-two?

You’re in the cold winter of your life
and she’s just budding in her early spring.
Are you like Henry VIII with Catherine Howard?
Does she kneel and kiss your Super Bowl Ring?

Forgive us our social security excitement,
me & Barney, Julio, Sid and Fred.
Like the Minnesota Vikings, it’s been a while since
any championship has rocked our old man bed.

Is she enamored with your defensive strategy,
your Sun Tzu insights, your Patton-esque will?
Does she “overlook” the fifty-year chasm
when she’s helping you swallow that magic blue pill?

Are your nights filed with drawings of x’s & o’s,
Trips right open A, left Omaha Y Sluggo Stop?
Do you share your tight end fantasies, can you
concentrate when she wears that one cleavage-y top?

Oh Bill, we’re just jealous sitting in my garage
eating Nachos, sipping Bud Light, assembling our teams.
Does she really speak for you, call the shots?
Maybe our fantasy isn’t as good as it seems.

In solidarity we’ve all gone low carb, count calories,
do push-ups and sit-ups until it really hurts.
You are our hero, our aging idol and yes
we’ve torn the sleeves off of all of our shirts.

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