[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Universal Icon Aunt Jemima Declares Run for U.S. Presidency

World-renown business icon Aunt Jemima is throwing her headscarf into the ring for President of the United States.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN cool shit reporter Ginne Anne Juice reports that world-renown business icon Aunt Jemima has stated that she will run for President of the United States.

Aunt JemimaAunt Jemima is quoted as saying, “The US has gone to hell in the last few years and I know why. It’s because nobody in America eats a decent breakfast anymore.”

She stated that people don’t sit down to a well-cooked family breakfast anymore, they just grab coffee and a donut, or a protein bar “or some of that fast food crap.”

“Lack of a decent breakfast makes a person evil and out to do harm,” she said.

She quoted a University of Vagina at Kruddebow study that revealed that out of 125 convicted killers, only 4 had had breakfast on the day that they committed the crime. She said that on her first day in office, she will issue an executive order making the old-fashion plantation breakfast mandatory at least four days a week in every American household.

Aunt Jemima is well known and respected around the world. From 1888 until 2021 she was spokesperson for the world’s best-selling pancake mix. She was let go in 2020 and after sitting out her non-compete clause time limit, she formed her own pancake mix company featuring Aunt Jemima’s Tofu Pancake Mix, Aunt Jemima’s Couscous Pancake Mix, Aunt Jemima’s Quinoa Pancake Mix and the very popular Aunt Jemima’s Digital Pancake Mix.

Aunt Jemima stated that one of America’s greatest problems is teenage killers and criminals. She said that she has the solution to that problem: she will form The Federal League of Grandmas and bring back the old-fashioned Plantation Ass-Whuppin’.

She said that her choice for running mate will be Uncle Ben.

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Ted Holland