Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Jelly Roll’s weight loss, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Country star Jelly Roll confirms he’s dropped 200 pounds and eyes another 50 more

Look for a name change from Jelly Roll to Kale Salad.

73 arrested after police raid Amish party in Ohio field

… Seems they were partying like it was 1699.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce engaged

No complaints, people! … Like any of us had a shot.

Alex Jones says Trump is in a ‘health crisis’ after noting the size of president’s ankles

Although, in fairness, Alex, they may appear large only when compared to Trump’s hands.

Anaheim wants tourists to know there’s more to it than just Disneyland

Well, there’s also Disney’s California Adventure …

Millennial woman dates other people — while her boyfriend waits at home for her

Hmmm, sounds more like Gen XXX.

Southern California Home Depot theft ring nabbed after $10M in merchandise stolen

… Would’ve gotten away with if they didn’t try and claim the warranty on a couple of malfunctioning electric drill kits.

Maria Bartiromo warns Trump’s Intel deal is ‘raising eyebrows’

And with all that Botox Maria’s had, that’s saying something.

Happy belated 82nd birthday, Robert DeNiro!

Now when you ask, ‘are you talking to me?’ it’s because your hearing’s going.

FDA warns public not to eat possibly radioactive shrimp sold at Walmart

Although, the reviews for the product were glowing.

RFK Jr.’s late mom, Ethel, called Biden to apologize for her son when he ran for president. Here’s what Biden told her:

That given the amount of kids she had, the most impressive thing she’s accomplished was recognizing him without a name tag.

This is National Waffle day

Or, maybe it isn’t. Or, maybe it is …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)