[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

This Just In: God Created Hurricane Sandy to Help Occupy Movement

In true Lazarus fashion, God raises Occupy from the dead

Intrepid Reuters news reporters have uncovered evidence that the immense Hurricane Sandy, so huge that it was dubbed ‘The Perfect Storm,’ was actually a fabricated event. It appears that God created the mega-storm for what to our eyes was a epochal effort to join the Occupy Wall Street movement, by attempting to shut down Wall Street for good.

Occupy Sandy volunteers in NYC
Occupy Sandy volunteers in NYC biked in food.

The hurricane hitting Manhattan successfully shut down the world’s major financial area for two days, something that the Occupy Movement never managed to pull off for even a day.

The Occupy movement, pretty much bashed down, fizzed out and forgotten, less than a year after it began in the same New York that bore the brunt of randy Sandy’s scorn, suddenly reappeared as messengers of mercy to help those in the big city who were without food, water or electricity. Occupy volunteers used their own resources to aid those in need, inadvertently creating a new image for themselves that even the conservatives were praising.

It appears that God, having realized that the Occupiers were fading out, that their tactics weren’t working and that Wall Street had not changed through the whole deal, decided to take matters into His own hands. In true Biblical fashion, he fashioned a storm to rival that of the fire and brimstone that took out Sodom and Gomorrah (comparisons can be made).

Reuters investigators speculate that His original plan was to totally devastate the famed moneyed ghetto whose name is now associated with greed and mooching once and for all. Realizing at the last minute the economic turbulence that would radiate through out the world afterwards, the Great Bearded One moved the focus of the storm to other parts of New York instead. Too late, He realized the carnage He had created upon ordinary people by this mistake.

“Ooopsie!” said God, and through methods He alone knows, ‘stimulated’ the Occupy folks to spring into action to cover His mistake. This they did handily and now historically.

In the end, God Himself did not do much to slow the endless forward march of capitalism that Wall Street represents, but He succeeded a few days later by invoking conservative Americas deep-seated distrust of black men by making one President again causing the stock market to plunge in terror.

In a side story, reporters interviewed police on the street as to whether they would have gone after God the same way they went after Occupy protestors in New York and Oakland. Police from those areas looked down and shuffled their feet sheepishly. When pressed, some said “Yeah. Of course we would have,” and “Well, there are political circumstances to consider,” in strangely subdued and embarrassed tones.

After a long, tell-tale silence a lieutenant finally boldly stated, “Um, there is a question of jurisdiction. We have control over the New York area, but God has jurisdiction over the whole universe, so we might be going out of bounds to impose on his Majesty.” Suddenly recovering some of his old police instincts, he suddenly lashed out, “What kind of a Christian are you to be saying that anyway? Why, of course He, being the Great Benefactor of the world and our Lord, would be treated with the respect due Him. What are you? Some sort of closet Muslim or somethin’?”

Roger Freed