[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Cantor Defeat Convinces GOP to Come Out of Closet

Nothing stopping pure Republican candor after Eric Cantor loses primary

Following Eric Cantor’s shocking defeat in Virginia’s GOP primary, Republican leaders are planning a new strategy for the November elections.

Eric Cantor and John Boehner
Eric Cantor and John Boehner. Photo: Talk Radio News Service, flickr.

“It’s time for us to come out of the PC closet,” said a moist-eyed, visibly relieved John Boehner, Speaker of the House. “For too long, Republicans have bowed to the drive-by media by sugar-coating what we really stand for. Dave Brat’s victory shows that we have to say clearly who we are and what we will actually do in office. No more mincing words.”

On immigration, Boehner said, “The truth is the GOP is only against dark-skinned wetbacks. Europeans are perfectly welcome.”

“Oh, this is good,” he said, tears flowing freely now. “We can speak candidly. Free at last, free at last — thank God Almighty, we’re free at last!”

Then, as if to prove his point, he added: “Illegals already here should be rounded up and sent back. We plan to legalize ethnic profiling and allow police to stop and demand IDs like in Arizona.”

“Ooh. That felt good.”

Boehner noted that GOP policies in numerous areas have been misunderstood.

“For example, we’re not against teenage pregnancy,” he said. “In fact we encourage it, which is why we simultaneously oppose sex education, birth control and abortion, all at once. You see, teenage girls weighed down by babies and abusive boyfriends or husbands are more easily exploited and controlled.”

“We also strongly encourage ignorance,” Boehner said. “That’s why we underfund public schools, attack teachers and encourage private tuition.”

“Why do you think we want to cut school lunches? For budgetary reasons? What a crock. That was our old line. Now we can just come out and say it: hungry kids don’t learn as well. The less working-class kids know how to think critically, or understand real history, the more likely they are to vote for cheap emotive slogans like ‘Obama is Hitler!’ ‘Liberals Eat Babies,’ and ‘Mussolini Ha Sempre Ragione.'”

Boehner said that the Italian strongman made the trains run on time, and that under a Republican president, so would Amtrak. “We’ll also take care of the labor unions,” he said, “just like he did and Scott Walker did in Wisconsin. National voter ID cards will be issued and only those who have them will be allowed to vote.”

“Mark my words: Eric Cantor’s defeat will end up being good for us. We’ll lock in a Republican majority forever,” Boehner said. “And it will all be perfectly legal and constitutional. Take it to the Supreme Court if you like — we’ve got a majority there.”

“If you think this is a joke,” he added, “you are seriously mistaken.”

Michael Egan