[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

George Will Assaulted by Feminist ‘Swat’ Team: Gains Status, Privilege

George Will infamously said sexual victimhood confers status and privilege, now he proves it.

Conservative columnist George Will was sexually assaulted by a six-woman squad of feminist “swat team” avengers as he left his Washington DC apartment Friday evening. The leather-jacketted so-called “gang of sex,” trained and financed by the National Organization for Women (NOW), apparently stalked Will for several days before waylaying him about 8 p.m. on his way to a Heritage Foundation dinner.

george willEarlier that day Will doubled-down in a C-SPAN interview with Brian Lamb on his recent Washington Post claim that sexual victimhood confers privilege and status. He repeatedly refused to apologize or retract, and authorities speculate that this may have provoked the women beyond endurance. Also galling was Will’s assertion that unwanted touching, demeaning sexual remarks, and indeed anything short of physical rape itself, hardly constitute sexual assault.

Asked about his own “gang rape” experience, George Will said that it been thrillingly nauseating and scary. “I can’t wait for my new privileges and statuses to start,” he said, noting that unfortunately actual rape had not occurred. “Yeah, little Caesar here,” he nodded resentfully, “couldn’t veni, vidi, vici, if you catch my highly learned, intellectual drift.”

George Will quickly continued: “But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t molested, insulted and humiliated. Those chicks knew their business, alright. First they took me behind a smelly dumpster and said I was asking for it, the way I was dressed. Then they made repeated impotence jokes and said they bet I couldn’t even get it up. Well, like I said, we couldn’t, could we?” He glanced down. “Et tu, Brute,” he muttered.

After the jokes the Swat team pinched and prodded the 73-year old sage for several minutes, tweaking his nipples and laughing each time he winced. The leader stood on a box and slowly read his rape column aloud, followed by a transcript of the C-Span interview.

“That was the hardest part,” Will said. “Finally, a couple of them stuck their tongues in my ears and ruffled my hair. Okay, so it’s a toupé, very funny. Then they unzipped me and made disparaging remarks about how small it is. How small it was. Normally I’m fine, it was just unusually cold that night, freezing. They all laughed again and said I should be called George Won’t.”

I told George Will that he might not be eligible for any new statuses and privileges after all, since he had only been threatened, demeaned, humiliated, laughed at, disparaged and physically molested. He hadn’t actually been forced to have sex, and two of the girls were now saying it had been consensual.

“What? That’s outrageous,” Will shouted angrily. “It was an emotional rape! I felt violated, insulted, belittled, intimidated and sexually frightened. They were all bigger than me and I was outnumbered. Who the hell says that just because I wasn’t actually raped nothing totally upsetting didn’t happen?”

I showed him his Washington Post column. “Oh,” he said.

Michael Egan