[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

ISIS to Burn Heretics in Public

‘Beheading is too merciful,’ says ISIS’ Jihad John

IRAQ — In their effort to return the world to the 14th century — guns and You Tube excepted — ISIS will begin publicly burning heretics at the stake. Local people will be required to watch and cheer. A lack of enthusiasm will mean instantly being thrown into the flames too.

isis, baptism by fire of Avvakum in 1682“Beheading is too merciful,” said Jihad John, the black-hooded executioner of American journalists. “We need something that will ensure the agony really lasts. Besides, fires accompanied by screams of torment make for good videos. We can zoom in on their blood literally boiling.”

Interviewed in the ninth region of Hell by GoogleSeance ™ satellite, Adolf Hitler himself said: “These people are total animals. They make even me look half-civilized.”

Michael Egan