[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Convicted Murderer Michael Dunn: ‘I Should Have Been a Cop’

“Or maybe I should have been a vigilante hero like George Zimmerman,” said Michael Dunn.

JACKSONVILLE FL — Convicted murderer Michael Dunn said in an informal press conference today that he believed he had been unfairly and unjustly found guilty in the death of 17-year-old Jordan Davis.
Dunn, 47, was charged with first-degree murder after shooting into an SUV full of black teenagers at a Jacksonville, Florida, gas station in 2012, during a squabble over the music emanating from the teens’ vehicle. Three of the 10 shots that Dunn fired struck Davis, one of them cutting through his liver, a lung and his aorta.

michael dunn as a cop
Michael Dunn: “I should have been a cop, those guys get away with murder.”

“So then if I’d been a cop,” Dunn said bitterly. “They gun people down for seat-belt violations and jay-walking, no problem! You read about this old dude that was shot in his own driveway just setting in his car? And I get life? It ain’t fair, no sir!

“The only difference between me and a cop is that he wears a uniform. The gun is the same. The bullet is the same. The dead [deleted] is the same.”

Mr. Dunn went on to note that if he had been a peace officer, “I’d have a big internet fund by now and everyone would be wearing ‘I am Michael Dunn’ bracelets. Even if I’d been a self-appointed vigilante like George Zimmerman I coulda got away with it. When you the only witness left alive it’s hard to contradict your evidence.”

A reporter pointed out that unfortunately there were other witnesses. “Yeah,” Michael Dunn said regretfully. “My mistake was I let some of those kids get away. At least one of them was wearing a hoodie. I tried to kill them all but they drove off. Cowards.”

Dunn said that just because no gun was found in the teenagers’ car it did not mean he hadn’t been in fear for his life. “Four black boys in the street after dark is just naturally scary here in the south,” he said. “You gotta remember our traditions.”

He agreed that the pistol he saw might actually have been Jordan Davis’s hand, “pointing menacingly and in a dangerous and abusively obscene manner all around while lunging threateningly in my direction.”

Michael Dunn added that he really, really, honestly and sincerely, believed that his life had been threatened and that he had no option but to comply with Florida’s stand-your-ground law. It was his duty as a citizen and as a white man “to maintain lore and order.”

“You damn liberals in the media don’t understand,” Dunn continued. “A free-running [deleted] is a frightening thing down here in Jacksonville. It’s against nature, it’s against God. The children of Ham have to carry water.

“When I told that boy to turn down his [deleted] music and he defied me, why of course I just had do the natural thing. Luckily I had my gun with me.”

Dunn was asked how he hoped to survive without a gun in a mixed-race penitentiary where there were lots of large, horny black men called Bubba, some with homosexual tendencies.

“Yeah, well Bubba can kiss my ass,” Michael Dunn said defiantly, as he was led away.