[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

America Hates the Pro Bowl But Plans to Watch Anyway

“There’s only two games left – how can I miss one, even if it is the Pro Bowl??!!” – distraught fan

Americans love football (our kind, that is), with a passion. They know the end of the season is nigh, and as the number of games dwindles, they are beginning to suffer withdrawals. So when the worst game of the season airs on Sunday, millions will watch the Pro Bowl anyway.

Bored Pro Bowl fan
Excited fans at the Pro Bowl.

“It goes without saying,” says Rick Helmethead from Akron Ohio, “I have to watch. It’s the second to the last game of the entire year! It’s a stupid pickup game where old has-beens choose the sides, but, hey, it’s football!

“I call it the Loser Bowl,” says Celine Cheeremon of Santa Barbara, California, “cuz nobody from the Super Bowl will be there. Heck, they even make up their own dumb rules. But still, c’mon, there’s only eight quarters of football left to watch — on any level. College football is long over, even Canadian football ended in November — not that anyone is that desperate. But man, I gots to get me all the pigskin I can get!”

There are exceptions to the rule, however. “I think I’ll enjoy the Pro Bowl more than the Super Bowl, because I won’t have to listen to Joe Buck or Troy Aikman!” says Phil Turfhugger of Lincoln, Nebraska. “Sure, the all-star game itself sucks, but gawd, Joe Buck — really?? How does he keep that job?!”

“I’m even enjoying this whole ‘deflategate‘ thing,” said Laurie Hitemhigh from Montpelier, Vermont. “Sure, it’s a manufactured controversy to fill time until the big game, but it’s a story about football, man. The football itself, even! And there’s only so much left to watch on the subject,” she added with a deep sigh.

“Hey, will there be guys on the field with shoulder pads and helmets? Will they be running up and down a green field with lines and numbers on it? Will they be playing defense, hitting each other hard? Okay, maybe not so much on that last one. But you get my drift. It’s football, and I have no choice, I have to watch,” said George Limpinlow, from Chattanooga, Tennessee.

While the sports world holds its collective breath waiting for the always over-hyped Super Bowl, knowing there’s a better-than-even chance it will be terribly disappointed by yet another lackluster, lopsided, anti-climactic championship game, it cannot ignore the Pro Bowl, much as it would like to.

Sure, everyone rolls their eyes, but this is a spectacle they love to hate. And it is — in a manner of speaking, at least — still football.

James Israel
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