[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Bill Before Congress Would Outlaw Coitus Interruptis

‘Coitus interruptis is just another sleazy way to avoid pregnancy!’ says Congressman.

A new Republican bill before Congress criminalizes coitus interruptis — the act of male withdrawal during heterosexual intercourse seconds before orgasm so as to avoid pregnancy.

“If we’re going to make abortion and birth control illegal,” said Rep. Selwyn (Sel) Frighteous, (R-Ugh), the bill’s sponsor, “I see no reason why CI, as we prefer to describe it, shouldn’t also be banned. It’s the same thing, just about.

“I mean, CI is just plain intended to avoid pregnancy while still enjoying it, right? Enjoying sex. And that’s not right, right?”

Rick Santorum on coitus interruptis
Senator Rick “Sweater Vest” Santorum says “Woah!” to coitus interruptis.

The congressman went on to say that he and his friends, like former Sen. Rick Santorum, know better than anyone else what sex is for, and it definitely isn’t for “so-called pleasure.”

The Bible, he noted, makes that clear. “Both Testaments, and incidentally the Koran too,” he added.

“Sex is for making babies, period. I mean no period. Sex is for getting pregnant and anything that gets in the way except God’s Will — give me an amen! — is Bad and must be Stopped.”

Sel Frighteous said that a Tea Party amendment to the bill establishes proto-military Morality Police “on the middle-eastern model.”

Thus, call girls and street prostitutes, for example, will be unofficially tolerated, so long as no birth control is involved. However, married sex which seeks to avoid pregnancy, “even if done in play or fun,” will be “harshly penalized.”

Wives and romantically attached young women who persistently fail to become pregnant will be interviewed monthly and asked to provide an explanation.

If the authorities become suspicious that some form of coitus interruptis or even birth control is involved, the offender will be sent to counseling and provided with a fertility monitor. Her partner’s sperm may be tested and his own “personal habits” investigated to see whether or not “he’s the one to blame. We don’t want to be sexist about this.”

The congressman freely admitted that obviously the motivation behind the bill, “and of course all legislation concerning abortion, contraception and fetal personhood,” is a blatant but effective attempt to manipulate and control people.

“That’s why we try to manage almost everything connected with sex. Gays, pornography, sex education, you name it. If a genital’s involved, you can be sure we’ve got hand in it,” he said, smiling mischievously at his not-so-subtle play on words.

Sel Frighteous added: “Like President Johnson used to say, if you got ’em by the short and curlies — and they don’t come shorter or curlier than CI — then by God you got ’em by what’s close at hand too.”

“Once there’s kids involved,” he noted, “the law’s involved, and if those Moms and Dads wanna keep their li’l darlins, they better play according to our rules.

“Most people learn this pretty fast. Luckily, there’s a few who don’t, and then we make a big song and dance with all kinds of horrific punishments and emotional rhetoric to intimidate the rest.

“It’s like a public burning, and the more unjustly it’s handled the more it scares the poop outa the audience. You don’t want to get caught up in the family courts, boys and girls, believe you me.”

Congressman Frighteous concluded: “And yes, we’re working on masturbation next. You already feel guilty about that, don’t you?”

Michael Egan