[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

WikiLeaks: Inside Look at Assad’s ‘Historic’ Meeting with Putin

Assad and Putin have a good laugh at U.S. expense

The famed web expose site WikiLeaks scored a mammoth coup this week with its hidden camera surveillance of the Assad-Putin meeting in Moscow. The leader of Syria and the President of Russia were presumably meeting to discuss their mutual concerns about the rebellion in Syria. The hidden camera tapes reveal much more than that.

putin and assadThe following is a direct transcript of the meeting of the two dictators translated into English:

Assad, and his body guards enter into the palace where President Putin meets his international guests. Putin comes into the camera view from the opposite side. The two men shake hands warmly but formally and exchange pleasantries. It appears that Assad can speak fluent Russian. Putin ushers them into a lounge where they will sit and talk.

The second hidden camera takes over from here:

Assad and Putin talk lightly about the plane trip and Assad’s impression of modern day Moscow.

As soon as wine and a small luncheon are served Assad and Putin surprisingly dismiss their guards.

Once they are gone Assad and Putin look at each other, smile conspiratorially and break out laughing hilariously.

Putin: “It is just amazing, isn’t it?!” he laughs jollily.

Assad: “I couldn’t believe it! I would never have taken them to be such dolts!”

Putin: “It is just like an old Russian saying, ‘You can make a fool a King and he will quickly learn the mannerisms but never the wisdom for the job.’”

Assad: (Laughing) “That is so true!”

Putin: “The westerners believed me when I said I would only bomb ISIS targets. Of course I first bombed the U.S. backed rebels and then pretended to be ignorant of the difference until they realized what was going on. Now they don’t know what to do. We are in Syria now with our planes and are pouring in new Russian troops everyday. The Europeans and the Americans are too surprised and afraid to do anything about it. This will be like Crimea all over again!” (He laughs loudly).

Assad looks shocked for a moment.

Putin sees this and quickly adds, while clapping his colleague on the shoulder: “But don’t worry, my friend! Syria will still be yours.”

Reassured, Assad leaned back and smiled. “I never would have believed that the West was so weak. They just bend over at the least resistance.”

Putin smiled widely. “Just look what happened in eastern Ukraine. We just sent in our troops to take over as much territory as possible. When we are accused of illegally putting Russian soldiers on foreign soil, we just stand back and act innocent and say the Europeans are imagining things. They won’t really do a thing about it. Look, we even shoot down a Dutch airliner and get away with it! Does it get any better than that?”

Assad laughs and says “Same thing with us. We create mass murder in every way shape and form possible and they still don’t have the balls to came after me directly. Now, with your help, we are bombing those who oppose me and, instead of fighting me back, they are all running away to Europe…”

Putin finished his statement “…and are driving them to ruin! It is so wonderful! With the one stroke of us bombing those who we do not want we not only cleanse Syria but handicap all of Europe with their hungry mouths. Now the fool Germans are insisting that the U.S. take in Syrians too. We can easily mix a few closet terrorists into the batch which will cause havoc over in America!.”

“Brilliant, Brother Putin! Brilliant! How is your campaign to harass all the NATO countries going?” asked Assad.

“Oh, quite well! We send the occasional military jets just over the border of England, Sweden or Turkey, they scramble a few of their own jets to confront them and we simply fly back home pretending like we made a mistake. Of course it is all over the Western press making all their people nervous and always begging their country that their Air Force not react to ours. I love these pacifist nations! They are so much fun to screw with!”

“Same here,” answered Assad “I barrel bomb whole neighborhoods, use chemical weapons, torture, kill whoever I want with impunity. And now, with your help (he lays a hand on Putin’s shoulder) I add a whole new dimension to that. Now your planes can bomb them to Hell. Thank you very much!”

“No problem!” Putin responded. “Glad to do it. Of course it helps us keep our only Mediterranean port open, but it is always a blast to irritate the Westerners any time I can. Have you ever thought of coming down and visit my dacha in Crimea? Take a little break from all the action?”

“Sure! That would be great. All this constant bloodshed does wear me down at times. “

“I know what you mean. Creating carnage can be draining at times.”

“The only thing these Westerners ever have the balls to do is to put sanctions on us. What wimps!’

“How are you holding up under them?” asked Assad.

“Oh, me? Do you think these sanctions ever touch me personally? No way! The Russian people, yes, they are suffering, but they are just cattle to be used any way. You know how that goes.” (Assad shakes his head yes) “Believe me, I have my stockpile of caviar and champagne well tucked away in my private cellars. And I have my contacts for anything I want from flat screen mega televisions to whores dressed up like Minnie Mouse.”

“Same here.” states Assad. “Except I have my prostitutes done up like Betty Boop!”

They both laugh uproariously.

“Yes, going hungry is for the little people.” says Putin.

“Or the dead ones!” snorts Assad.

They throw their heads back and laugh.

Roger Freed