[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

McDonald’s Introduces Healthy Fries: Diners Hostile

Regulars complain that they don’t eat at McDonald’s for their health

The biggest fast food restaurant in the business announced last month that they were introducing an alternative to their regular fat/salt-laden fries. McHealthy Fries® were added to the McDonald’s menu on November 17, just in time for the holidays.

McDonald'sThe fast food giant took ideas from suggestion boxes at hundreds of McDonald’s restaurants across America seriously. By far, the most submissions were from folks who wanted to cut down on their risk of heart disease by eating fries with their Big Macs that were less harmful to their bodies. McDonald’s test kitchen chef, Edward “Ed” Ibbles, took that challenge and came up with what he termed “the healthiest fries on the planet.”

The customers who decided to give McHealthy Fries a try were met with an alternative they didn’t expect. The “fries,” they decried, were nothing more than fresh apple and carrot sticks.

Soon after the first McHealthy Fries began appearing on the menu, complaints started pouring in, and McDonald’s found itself in a huge firestorm of controversy, i.e. “what constitutes a fry?”

“They got the healthy part right,” said Wilmer Deans of Shreveport, Louisiana, “but the fry part? Where’s the grease?” he said, mocking another big fast food chain.

Chef Ibbles countered with, “What part of the word fry is healthy? You’re the ones asking for healthy fries. Seriously? If that isn’t an oxymoron, then I am Colonel Sanders,” to which Deans replied, “Who you calling a moron, moron?”

The fight devolved into fisticuffs with Colonel Sanders, er Chef Ibbles, taken to the hospital with a broken nose.

The fight isn’t over. Less than a month after the menu change, a group of angry diners is threatening a class action suit against McDonald’s for false food labeling. Meanwhile, McDonald’s has taken the McHealthy Fries off the menu for now until they can come up with something closer to a fry than an apple or a carrot.

“We were mainly concerned with the safety of our servers, both in the restaurant and those manning the drive-thru windows,” said a McDonald’s spokesperson known only as Ronald.

“While the ‘fries’ served were always refrigerated and contained no hot grease whatsoever, getting hit back in the face with a bag of apple and carrot sticks can sting,” he said.

P. Beckert