[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Report: ‘Militia’ Not Referring to Those Formed in Backyard

2nd Amendment report regarding the intended meaning of “well-regulated militia” will not please gun rights advocates.

WASHINGTON — Earlier today, The Nil Admirari (TNA) released a report following its consultation with Second Amendment experts from every academic corner of the United States regarding the “well regulated militia.” The scholars confirmed the Second Amendment was not referring to treasonous militias formed in a friend’s backyard to overthrow the government, but well-regulated militias run by state governments.

Gun nuts were not pleased by the report.

“Contrary to popular right-wing belief, the Second Amendment does not protect a right to form a militia in a family member’s or friend’s backyard with the objective of overthrowing the government,” explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who consulted with the nation’s foremost academics on the Second Amendment for two months.

Schneider added, “Such a belief shows an embarrassing ignorance of American history. The Constitution was created to strengthen the federal government and replace the Articles of Confederation. The Constitution does not protect the right of all Americans to commit treason.”

“Everyone believing they can form a militia, or join one created by a buddy, is about as patriotic as they are informed. They are guilty of sedition by publicly urging others to join them in an insurrection,” said Schneider.

“So there it is. Unfortunately, experts and objective reality will never be allowed to get in the way of what right-wing Americans want. They are pretty consistent there,” stated Schneider.

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Alexander Vosh
Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.