[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

ISIS to Use Remote-Control Bombs: Suicide Bombers Fuming

Call ISIS decision-makers ‘weak’ and ‘pussies’

A group of suicide bombers have made it known that they are not the least bit happy about a decision made by ISIS leaders to develop remote-control bombs that can kill hundreds of people without one suicide bomber dying. They are up in arms, no pun intended, and say they will fight the new mandate, if necessary with self-explosives.

ISIS leader sen ted cruz“What are we becoming?” asked Abdoul Abbabbi Abeddie “Ed” for short, a 16-year-old teen who has been living and training in the Middle East since he was 12 years old to be the next great suicide bomber.

Ed, who celebrated puberty with the declaration “I can grow a beard, finally!” had this to say about the mandate: “A robot cannot receive its reward of virgins after blowing itself up. That’s just sick. It would be a great waste of virgins if we were to use robots to do a boy’s, I mean, a man’s job,” he chastised.

The decision to use remote-control bombs came after ISIS realized that many of its devoted followers were not that keen on going in and taking out lives when it involved taking their own.

“Who knew?” said one ISIS leader known only as Farouk.

“Now, even the offer of dozens of virgins after death are not enough to make these boys, I mean men, want to join ISIS,” adding, “if we could use the virgins in this life to make them fight, sure, but then we have the problem that they might fall in love, want to get married, the whole family thing, and then we have to wait another 12 years for one of his offspring to join. It becomes a real problem for us,” he said.

Farouk, a mere child himself, hopes that once these guys see how cool the drones actually are, they will change their minds and get back on board. His plan is to first develop an X-box game with heat-seeking drones as the weapon, get the kids, er, men hooked on the games, and then send them out into the field with the real deal.

“Once they become addicted to the games,” said Farouk, “we can then tell them that there are dozens of games just like it in this life, thereby replacing the promise of sex with the promise of a whole arsenal of virtual war games, a win-win for us.”

In a related story out of Des Moines, Iowa, Senator Ted Cruz commented on this latest development in the Middle East, saying, “America has nothing to worry about when it comes to heat-seeking missiles, as there is no such thing as global warming and therefore, nothing warm for the missiles to target.”

P. Beckert