Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/2/16

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Secret Service to protect Bernie Sanders

And, just to be sure, also Larry David.

7.2 Earthquake hits Alaska

Sarah Palin: Stop it, Obama.

Peyton Manning is going back to the Super Bowl

Glad to hear it, now he might be able to land some endorsements.

Is Donald Trump afraid of Megyn Kelly?

In fairness, she looks like she’s a divorce attorney away from looking like his first two wives.

Joseph Fiennes will play Michael Jackson

In a fair world, Ralph Fiennes should play Michael and Joseph should play Jermaine.

Gov. Christie calls for state takeover of Atlantic City

Some guys will do anything to cut in line at the all you can eat buffets.

NASA released pics of the snowstorm from space

And, still no sighting of a black actor nominated for an Oscar.

The secret is out: The Apple car is coming

It’s actually here but is lost because it uses Apple Maps…

RIP Abe Vigoda

This would be a great time for him to sit up and say, ‘Gotcha again.’

Former MLB pitcher John Rocker supports Donald Trump for president

So, pair that with Palin’s, he now has the support of Rocker and ‘Off Her Rocker.’

Study says bacon is as carcinogenic as cigarettes

You might as well write a suicide note if you have smoked ham.

Xerox to divide into two companies

Xerox to divide into two companies

Xerox to divide into two companies

Kourtney Kardashian: TV personality describes how to eat ‘Kit Kat’ candy bar in video

I’m guessing a ‘Popsicle’ would have been too obvious.

Rick Perry endorses Ted Cruz

Wondering if he remembers all three countries Cruz is from.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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