Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Donald Trump fires back at sharp rebuke by Pope Francis
So, it’s ‘His Holiness’ against ‘His AssHoliness.’
Florida couple comes forward to claim share of $1.6 billion Powerball Jackpot prize
Or, as I now call them, ‘Mom and Dad.’
Donnie Wahlberg endorses Marco Rubio
Makes sense, a member of ‘New Kids’ endorsing a former member of ‘Menudo.’
Happy 35th birthday, Paris Hilton
What do you get for the girl who hasn’t earned anything?
Kanye West says he’s 53 million in debt
Someone should start a funding campaign on a site called PrickStarter.
Student has threesome with both of his English teachers
Apparently, he was ‘prepositioned.’ And, I for one, am shocked, this sounds way more like a class in French.
Obama to skip Scalia’s funeral
It seems the President decided to not attend, opting to celebrate at home…
Donald Trump says he’s thinking of a 3rd party run
Wouldn’t be that surprising if he left GOP for a younger Eastern European party.
Paul McCartney denied entrance into Tyga’s ‘Grammy’ after party
Who was at the door? Yoko?
Kanye asks Mark Zuckerberg for a billion dollars
Zuckerberg should open a new site to answer called LaughingInYourFaceBook.
Tila Tequila: Reality TV personality defends her use of racial slur
This woman has got to stop ruining the good name of tequila.
Jeb! suspends his campaign
Although, he may need to check into rehab to get over his Koch addiction.
Happy 82nd birthday, Yoko Ono
For fun why don’t you go out and breakup Nickelback?
Bad news for Ted Cruz: his eligibility for president is going to court
Although, it hasn’t been determined yet in which of his three countries the case will be heard.