[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Hires Mini-Me to Steal Short Man Vote from Rubio

The luxurious Trump also accused Ted Cruz of lying about his height.

Donald Trump is leaving no stone unturned as he marches his way across the south, preemptively declaring victory in the upcoming Super Tuesday elections.

Trump Hires Mini-Me, photo by Gerry Chambers
Photo courtesy of Gerry Chambers.

Coming off his big win in South Carolina, Trump should feel confident that he has all but sealed his nomination as the GOP candidate for President — whether the Republicans like it or not. However, there is one thing standing in his way, and although it is “a little thing,” as he puts it, it is still standing in his way… Marco Rubio.

It is pretty much a sure bet that Rubio will be staying in the race and giving Trump a run for his money; and with Rubio being a full 5 inches shorter than Trump, the Don feels that this is just unacceptable. Trump claims Rubio will have an unfair advantage come Thursday, when they will be matched up again on the stage for another debate, because Trump will tower over Rubio, making Trump appear aggressive.

“It just won’t look good at all,” said Trump, who said that in previous debates — before his competitors started dropping like flies — there were enough tall, not-so-tall, and downright short men on the stage together, that it didn’t make much of a difference.

But now, with a potential match-up looming between himself and one, possibly two (including Cruz) candidates who are considerably shorter than his 6’3″, Trump has run into a bump. Trump claims that no one really knows what Ted Cruz’ actual height is, but claims he is lying when he says he is a “tall Texan.”

“Going up against anyone shorter than me is gonna make me look like a bully,” said Trump, claiming he is the nicest person in the race, adding “you can quote me on that — better yet, I think I’ll tweet that right now and quote myself, cuz I don’t trust you media people.”

“Look, here’s how I see it. If they put Rubio up there on the stage against a behemoth like me and the voters see that, they might feel sorry for the little fella and vote for him. Sure, some people will vote for me because I am tall and a stupendous Caucasian, but still, some voters may vote for the little guy — you know how wimpy some people can be about always being for the little guy,” said Trump with that smirk and shrug he’s become so famous for.

“So, I have a solution, he said. “I have the money and the say so, so I’ve asked my people to find a smaller version of myself, dress him up to look like me, and we’ll put him on the stage against Rubio and if need be, Ted Cruz. That way, I’m not going to look like a bully.”

Asked what will happen if Hillary Clinton clinches the Democratic nomination and the time comes when he (Trump) and she (Clinton) go head to head in a national debate, Trump responded, “Well, if you are asking me if we are going to find a surrogate woman who looks like me to perform in the debate, then all I can say is, we will do whatever it is — and it will be big, or small, or female — but we will do whatever it is we will do to make sure that I win the election come November.”

P. Beckert