[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Paul Ryan Denies Trump-Hitler Connection

Ryan notes that “The Donalini” has promised to be on his best behavior from now until the election.

The Dredge Report has learned that some knowledgeable Republicans in Congress have started calling Paul Ryan “Paul von Ryan-Hindenburg.”

Donald Trump salute Paul RyanThis is seen by many as a startling development, especially the discovery of knowledgeable Republicans in Congress.

Off the record, some of these Republicans say they are aware of Godwin’s law, which basically states that if an online discussion (regardless of topic or scope) goes on long enough, sooner or later someone will compare someone or something to Hitler or Nazism. So they refuse to make a complete analogy between Trump and Hitler, although in private they refer to him as “Trumpolini” or “Trumpaloff.”

These Republicans secretly fear that as Paul von Hindenburg facilitated Hitler’s coming to power, von Ryan-Hindenburg will bend his knee and help Trump. They note that von Ryan-Hindenburg will refer to this process as “party unification” in public, yet admit in private that it is really Trumpaloff pacification.

Opponents call this a dishonorable surrender to Trump and the fleet of black SUV tankers he led down Washington’s avenues to his first meeting with von Ryan-Hindenburg. Some observers were surprised by the meeting, given that in the very recent past, von Ryan-Hindenburg talked about Trumpaloff as “intolerant, noisy, and undisciplined.”

One Republican opponent of Trump who has read Mein Kompf said it is uncanny how well that book describes some of Trumpaloffs campaign tactics: “At a given sign unleash a veritable barrage of lies and slanders against whatever adversary seems most dangerous, until the nerves of the attacked persons break down… This is a tactic based on precise calculation of all human weaknesses and its result will to success with almost mathematical certainty.”

Aides say that Von Ryan Hindenburg is convinced that Trumpaloff will drop his “incitements” against Mexicans and mind his manners. However, as one critic asked, “Can a leopard change his spots?” while another asked, “How do you appease a leopard?”

But all is not lost, say some Republican critics of Trump, “if we just give him a little bit of what he wants.”

Trumpaloff told von Ryan-Hindenburg that he doesn’t plan to build concentration camps for Mexicans, only walled-off areas — he builds the greatest walls, Trumpaloff reminded him — until all the illegals are rounded up and returned to Mexico.

He told von Ryan-Hindenburg that his goal is only to deport, not exterminate them. Von Ryan-Hindenburg got Trump to assure him that no glass will be broken during deportation nights.

Von Ryan-Hindenburg says it was encouraging to find Trump such “a warm and genuine person” and that the Donalini promised to be on his best behavior from now until the election, but wasn’t sure he could control his corps of protectors who were determined at all costs to guard him at his campaign rallies.

A reliable Democratic source says Republican opponents of Trump in Congress are indeed small in number, and have very small profiles in discreet courage.

Jerry Hirsch