Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/16/16

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ozzy Osbourne ‘missing’ after ‘splitting’ from wife Sharon

I think I found Ozzy. He’s working as an operator at a Time Warner call center in Mumbai.

Hillary Clinton wins Nebraska Democratic primary, earning her zero delegates

Who says she’s learned nothing from the Sanders campaign?

$3M worth of heroin, opium found in O’Hare passengers’ luggage

Because of the high cost of luggage fees, it was cheaper for them to turn themselves in.

Newt Gingrich tops Trump’s VP list

Mostly, it’s because Dennis Hastert is going to be unavailable for the next 9 to 15 months.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Article on actress’s website, Goop, recommends $15,000 sex toy

So, that’s what a member of a boy band is going for.

Johnny Depp says Trump would be the ‘actual last president’ of the U.S if elected

To keep it balanced — Jon Voight, say something I don’t give a rat’s ass about.

Artificially sweetened beverages in pregnancy tied to higher infant weight

And, humming annoying soda jingles.

‘Pitch Perfect 3’ moves up release date 3 weeks

So, it will be now be called ‘Pitch Perfect 2.89999.’

Because of Climate Change, five Pacific Islands have vanished

Or, as some are saying, they just slid off the edge of a flat earth.

Chris Christie to lead Trump’s transitioning team

When asked if he foresaw any problems, he said, he’d block those bridges when he came to them.

Usher accidentally sends fans a dick pic

No word yet on what he was even doing with a pic of Kanye.

Alaskan moose plays wind chimes on cabin porch

For the Palins, that’s dinner theater all in one moose.

Trump, Ryan mend fences

No word how much Mexico paid for that.

’60 Minutes’ Morley Safer retires after 46 seasons

That’ll also be the amount of time it takes him to get that theme song out of his head. Tick, tick, tick…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)

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