Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Angelina Jolie to divorce Brad Pitt
Being bisexual now means you still don’t have a shot with either Brad and/or Angelina.
Rome’s exorcist, Father Gabriel Amorth, dies at age 91
Terrible news for those who believe possession is 9/10ths of the law.
Anthony Weiner’s latest sexting scandal
Somebody needs to tell Anthony Weiner the term ‘what a dick’ is not a compliment.
Calmest fan ever makes baby-saving catch with zero celebration
Although spiking the baby would have brought new meaning to ‘bouncing baby boy.’
Ted Cruz reverses course and endorses Donald Trump
No word if he’ll also turn his dad in for the assassination of JFK.
CDC releases cat-scratch disease study
Turns out it’s about actual cats and not the even more serious harm done by listening to Ted Nugent.
Donald Trump wants to bring back ‘Stop and Frisk’
But enough about his relationship with Ivanka.
‘Masters of Sex’ about Masters and Johnson starts 4th season
By now it should be called ‘Masters of One’s Johnson.’
Happy 67th birthday, Bruce Springsteen
The Boss is getting close to singing ‘Born to run to the bathroom 4 times a night.’
Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson: Forget about climate change, sun will someday encompass Earth
At least, we don’t have to wonder what he’s smoking.
‘Locked the black b*tch out’: North Dakota students’ racist Snapchat exposes dorm harassment
Amazing, there was a black person in North Dakota.
Reports of creepy clowns spread to more cities
Well, with an election on the way candidates are on the road more.
Donald Trump Jr. compares Syrian refugees to Skittles that ‘would kill you’
Hey, Jr., maybe we should build a wall around all Skittles and have M&M pay for it.
Rapper ‘The Game’ claims he’s slept with 3 Kardashians in new song
With the next one he gets a free soda and a bag of chips.