Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump demands apology from Hamilton

More amazing is that anyone even remembers that guest appearance on ‘Super Train.’

Carrie Fisher outs her secret Harrison Ford affair while shooting ‘Star Wars’

And, here’s betting she was also getting a little Wookie on the side.

Ivanka sits in on meeting with Japanese Prime Minister

Went well; sold him three bracelets and pair of shoes for his wife…

There’s only one demographic that still thinks marijuana should be illegal

I know, I know, oh wait I forgot.

Kanye says he would have voted for Trump

Well, it does rhyme with rump, something he loves.

‘Duck Dynasty’ to end after current season

Word is, nobody was left after its cast got offered White House jobs.

Philippine leader Duterte says God told him to stop cursing

There goes any chance of him getting that HBO Standup special…

Fashion designer refuses to dress Melania Trump

Let’s face it. A good deal of the time Melania refuses to dress Melania.

What one woman says it’s like to be married to a man with a ‘gambling problem’

Well, she did marry him for ‘bettor’ or worse.

Hillary Clinton’s popular vote lead over Donald Trump now exceeds 1.5 million votes

Look for her to celebrate with the World Champion Cleveland Indians at her Chappaqua home.

Boy’s amazing reflexes help him catch plummeting baby brother

Let’s just hope to celebrate he didn’t spike him and do an end zone dance.

Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson named People magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

Look for Roger Ailes to be named the most ‘Sexist Man Alive.’

Vladimir Putin calls Donald Trump to congratulate him

Good thing he already had him on speed dial.

Trump said to be ‘disgusted’ with Chris Christie

Looks like Trump is throwing Chris Christie under the bus. I feel bad for the bus…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)