[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Nominees Offer New Direction for Nation’s Education

Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos unveil their plans to improve education

President-elect Donald Trump’s nominees for top level positions in his administration promise to usher in a new spirit of cooperation across departments. For example, Betsy DeVos and Jeff Sessions are already working on a strategy to revamp education nationally.

educationWhile Jeff Sessions as Attorney General works on having the Supreme Court revisit and overturn Brown v Board of Education to reestablish “separate but equal” schools throughout the nation, Betsy DeVos will push her agenda to fund all these “separate” schools with a nationwide voucher system.

“This will end any kind of discrimination,” Betsy claims, “since everyone will get money to attend their own schools.” She cites her own education as an example. “Now others will have the same opportunity for the kind of education I had, a 100% Reformist Christian education from elementary through college.”

She also plans to initiate a federal tuition stipend program for small sectarian colleges like the obscure Calvin College she attended. “Too much federal funding has been provided for decades to elitist universities. Now colleges like my alma mater will have the support they always deserved. Finally, we will be able to end the discrimination against creationists.”

DeVos has particular plans for the nationwide STEM curriculum to increase knowledge and interest in careers in the sciences, particularly for females. Half of STEM funding will now be devoted to what she calls “Alt Science.” She has provided some examples of Alt Science curriculum:

Related to the science of archeology, students will explore the search for Noah’s Ark and the Ark of the Covenant; in lieu of chemistry, girls will be counseled into Home Ec courses or cosmetology, where, she claims, “they also learn to combine chemicals or elements, but for more practical purposes.” Finally, in the schools dedicated to preparation for the medical field, courses will be added on faith healing and the healing power of crystals.

When this reporter asked her if she was concerned about her proposals violating the Constitution with regard to the separation of Church and State, she replied, “I report to a Higher Power.”

“You mean God,” I replied.

“Oh no,” she quickly corrected, “I mean Trump!”

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