Aides claim waterboarding will bring a ‘new era of truth’
Claiming he is fulfilling his promise to make government more efficient, Donald Trump today signed an Executive Order he says will “kill two birds with one stone” by reinstating waterboarding.
Trump announced to Republican senators he had called to the Oval Office that he would be signing the new order today. When one dismayed senator asked why he was taking an action decried both nationally and internationally, he replied, “I’m all about the truth and this seems like a sure-shot way to get it.”
“Are you saying the end justifies the means?” queried the Chair of the Ethics Committee sheepishly.
“Of course, isn’t that what we were all taught as children?” Trump replied. The room grew silent as Trump smiled for the photo op.
Sean Spicer then asked the Press to follow him for a short follow-up briefing. Appearing somewhat nervous and ashen, he gave further details regarding the Executive Order.
“The waterboarding will go beyond use on the prisoners at Guantanamo. Anyone who reports what the President considers ‘fake news’ will be arrested and subjected to waterboarding until they confess their false reporting and agree to write an article containing ‘alternative facts’ that meet White House approval.”
Sean Spicer then passed out an “Alternative Facts” worksheet, which the White House will provide to them on a daily basis. Mr. Spicer looked surprised when he asked for questions and no one raised their hands.