The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Bill Clinton

Our intrepid radio talk show host Jerry Duncan interviews Bill Clinton.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

bill clinton, donkeyhotey
Bill Clinton. Art by donkeyhotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the 42nd President of the United States Bill Clinton. Hi there Mr. President.

CLINTON

Jerry. I can’t believe I agreed to do this show.

JERRY

This will be like hell week at a fraternity. Let’s get started. Loretta Lynch. Remember her?

CLINTON

I’ve met so many women in my life.

JERRY

Let me refresh your memory, Bubba. In the summer of 2016, you went on her airplane when both planes were on the tarmac in Phoenix.

CLINTON

Oh, that Loretta. Yes, a fine woman. Tough as nails.

JERRY

Whatever. Why in the hell would you go into the airplane of the Attorney General of the United States at the time your wife’s private email server was being investigated by the FBI?

CLINTON

It’s not what you think. Loretta’s plane ran out of gas and I was carrying a red can when I boarded her plane. I gave her a few bucks so she could filler up at the Circle K.

JERRY

You expect me to believe that crap?

CLINTON

(laughing) Just cracking a funny. What really happened is that Loretta wanted to say “hello” since we hadn’t seen each other in almost a year. We exchanged stories about our grandchildren and sang Gospel songs.

JERRY

Didn’t you think that would look bad in the eyes of the public?

CLINTON

Like I said, we were just singing. “Sweet Low, Swing Chariot,” “Babylon’s Falling” and my favorite, “Go Down Moses.” Reminded me of Sunday mornings in Hope, Arkansas.

JERRY

(banging his head against the microphone) Okay. What’s it been like for Hillary since she lost the election?

CLINTON

I did not have sex with that woman. She’s erratic. One day Hillary is happy and another day she tells me to go marry Monica. I’m confused.

JERRY

About Hillary?

CLINTON

No. Monica.

JERRY

Are there any plans for a Clinton running for office?

CLINTON

As a matter of fact, my brother Roger is thinking about a run for Congress. You remember him?

JERRY

Yeah. The doofus the was arrested for selling cocaine, urinating in front of reporters and getting DUIs. You’re right, he’d be a good fit for Congress.

CLINTON

My daughter Chelsea would make a great Congresswoman.

JERRY

Is the world ready for another Clinton?

CLINTON

Was the world ready for a Trump?

JERRY

Good one, Bubba.

CLINTON

By the way, Roger has a real good deal on some condos in Bangladesh. Are you interested?

JERRY

No, I just bought one in Afghanistan. Complete with mine detectors. Do you have any pets?

CLINTON

Yes. A parrot named Annie. The cutest damn thing since Jennifer Flowers. She talks up a storm like I do.

JERRY

What does she say?

CLINTON

Her favorite expressions are “Rots of ruck” and “You suck.” Smart bird.

JERRY

What are you immediate plans?

CLINTON

I’m writing a novel.

JERRY

Really?

CLINTON

Called Invasion of the Pantsuits. It’s about an invasion of aliens wearing pantsuits and the only person they will listen to is Hillary.

JERRY

It’s a loser. Good-bye everyone. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.