Exclusive report: What our elected representatives did for summer vacation!
And so we bid a hearty “Welcome Back” to our elected representatives, as they reluctantly trudge back to Washington following their annual summer vacation recess — and the fact that it sounds like a holdover from elementary school is no accident. Ostensibly, this respite from the business at hand is meant to renew, refresh, recharge and reload so they can be rested and relaxed as they fight for we, their constituents. Mostly though, they raise campaign funds.
But a few did manage to carve precious minutes from their busy schedules of schmoozing and networking for more pastoral proclivities. And through a series of dogged investigations we here at Durstco were able to uncover those previously unreported recreational activities that they and other public figures engaged in over the break, and are proud to offer them up in a segment we like to call “How They Spent Their Summer Vacation.”
Sean Spicer chopped 30 points off his blood pressure by spending the summer in Louisiana tagging alligators.
Steve Bannon earned a pretty penny for checking into a Swiss spa and switching out his blood with Keith Richards’.
Paul Ryan spent the summer visiting all 30 MLB stadiums and defied the laws of probability when the home team lost every game.
Kelly Ann Conway broke many nails writing a book on the power of patience and persistence coupled with a strict regimen of willful ignorance.
Donald Trump surreptitiously installed solar paneling on his vast holdings in Guam.
Mike Pence taught Bible School to a group of at-risk youth who just happen to be the kids of Republican Mega-Donors.
Chris Mathews visited secret and ancient Vatican libraries searching for loopholes.
Michael Flynn went off his meds and no one noticed.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio sailed to Jamaica on a raft he personally lashed together from the bleached bones of dead immigrants.
Chris Christie visited many beaches no one else was allowed to.
Mitch McConnell gained experience dealing with President Trump by refereeing the finals of a Pee-Wee wrestling tournament for hyperactive children.
Bernie Sanders attended 3 Comic-Con Conventions dressed as the John Candy character from “Spaceballs.”
Chief of Staff John Kelly took a plumbing correspondence course with an emphasis on leak-plugging.
Elizabeth Warren hitchhiked across Europe with a maple leaf patch sewn onto her backpack.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III traveled to Italy to get custom four-inch lifts installed in all his shoes.
California Senator Kamala Harris piloted a highly prestigious Congressional Task Force that studied the efficacy of task forces.
Jared Kushner followed the New England State Fair circuit hawking vegetable slicers.
Hillary Clinton studied with many tutors so that she could attempt to appear spontaneous on her upcoming book tour.
First Lady Melania Trump consulted with Manolo Blahnik on his Limited Edition “Shoes Fit For a Flood” Collection.
Bill Clinton never left his hammock. Except for twice when it needed to be re-netted.
Anthony Scaramucci spent 30 days in community service in Kalispell, Montana after threatening the life of a KOA campground manager who failed to stock enough marshmallows for the traditional Friday night S’mores bonfire.
Donald Trump Jr. spent the summer writing an infinite number of times on a Trump University blackboard “I will quit being such a dufus.”
Ted Cruz interned at the Calgary Stampede as a rodeo clown.