‘If Julius Caesar can have July, and Augustus has August, why can’t I have Trumpery? Anyone who says I can’t is fake news!’ – President Trump
WASHINGTON – President Trump said today that he would propose legislation renaming the month of January as “Trumpery, to commemorate my historic 2016 electoral college victory, which I haven’t mentioned in days, believe me.”
Trump went on: “I said to myself, you know, Julius Caesar and his adopted son Augustus gave their names to July and August, so I, as America’s greatest and most popular president ever, should also give my name to a month, and so should my son.
“Since January comes first it seems appropriate, and June, or Jr. as it will be known, seems good too, especially as he will most likely come after me and inherit this dump.” He waved his little hands vaguely around the Oval Office.
The President noted that “trumpery” has specific dictionary definitions which, he insisted, would have to be changed or re-edited. Opening his Elementary School Webster’s, he stumblingly read out, “Trumpery: from the French tromperie, meaning deceit and trickery, to cheat.’
“In American,” he continued, “it means nonsense, twaddle, empty words, something without use or value, rubbish, trash and worthless. In clothes and furnishings, cheap and showy finery.”
Trump laughed. “Clearly these definitions don’t and of course can never apply to me. I mean look at this example usage: ‘His empty, chest-beating words and promises are naught but trumpery, a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’
“This obviously describes someone who boastingly promises to do great things but never actually accomplishes anything. Well, I mean, grab my pussy and call me Bush! I’ve done more in eight months than any other president in history, including Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Alexander the Great and especially that black Kenyan dude who came before me.
“As for cheap and showy finery, I ask you! Look at my wives, ex and current! Look at my casino and university, at my apartments in Trump Tower and Mar-a-Lago, masterpieces of good taste and the finest gilded armchairs and toilet seats money can buy. Nothing cheap about them apples and pears, let me tell you!”
After catching his breath, Trump observed that renaming June and January was just the start.
“Lincoln and Ford have cars named after them,” he said, “and Washington has both DC and a state! I frankly don’t see why we shouldn’t have a Chevy Trump someday and the whole US renamed New Trumpistan.
“Washington DC will be Javanka, DT, and of course the stars above the stripes will be replaced by teeny tiny T’s.
“Shoot, I don’t even mind if we have a Melania Street in Harlem somewhere, just off Barron Square.
“However, as for the rest of my kids and their bloodsucking mothers, fuck ’em.”
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