White House staff: ‘Finally, someone to restore order around here!’
Fed up with President Trump’s continued bumbling incompetence, White House staff have invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to move in and “show Donald how it’s done,” starting early next week.
Donald Trump reportedly loves the idea, and is “excited to show Vlad around his Mar-a-Lago golf course.” Told that is not the “White House” Putin will be staying in, however, Trump was said to have started sulking and binge-watching Fox News.
Meanwhile, Republican leaders in Congress are breathing a big sigh of relief. “Finally, someone who knows what they’re doing!” said Senate Majority Leader and sad cartoon turtle stand-in Mitch McDonnell.
“We love Donald Trump, but he just has no experience in being a dictator — I mean — in politics. He needs an firm hand like Vladimir to step in and show him how it’s done. He’s got big hands.”
“As I’ve said many times, Mr Trump is not a terrible president, he’s just new,” added Republican Speaker of the House and extremely patient presidential wannabee and non-wave maker Paul Ryan. “It’s like hiring a guy off the street as your plumber. You don’t berate him for flooding the house on his first attempt, do you? No, you sigh, smile, and hand him another wrench. Am I right?
“And don’t let the fake news Democrats spin this move into any alternative facts about him being a Russian puppet. Vladimir is simply a successful president of a large country, and luckily for us, was just kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule of manipulating — I mean, helping — governments across the globe to lend a hand here. A big hand.”
“Believe me, we can use all the help we can get!” added Mr Ryan, his perpetual smug grin widening slightly.
Steve Bannon, who somehow is still secretly ensconced in the White House — though no one has seen or heard from him in months — emerged from under a rock at a Rose Garden press conference to say that Mr Putin will be able to teach Trump many things.
“For one,” hissed Bannon, “he knows how to take care of unruly fake news reporters. For another, how to get rid of pesky investigators. Basically, he’s just good at making troublesome people disappear, if you know what I mean! Call it a ‘Second Amendment solution,’ if you like. We certainly do.”
Democrats, with thumbs a-twiddling faster and more nervously than ever, worried that Mr Putin might never leave, once embedded in the White House.
“I guess there’s nothing we can do,” said Democratic Minority Leader and longest-running always-exasperated party apologist Nancy Pelosi, “but I sure hope Republicans know we shouldn’t have foreign leaders running our government. I mean, they do know that, right? Right??”
After seeing Pelosi on TV Donald Trump tweeted, “Fake politician Nancy Pelosi is worried I’m losing control. No way, I’m still the Boss, bigly! Vladimir said so! #FaveWhiteHouseDrink-WhiteRussian #Nonalcoholic”