Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/9/17

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Rex Tillerson calls Trump a ‘F%^king Moron’

Which means his new title is ‘Secretary of Stating the Obvious.’

U.S. expels 15 Cubans

No word if Trump thinks that’ll teach Mark Cuban to stop bad-mouthing Trump.

Santa Claus’ tomb found in Turkey, archaeologists say

Surrounded by unopened boxes of ‘Cabbage Patch Kids’ and ‘Tickle Me Elmo.’

Man claiming to be from the year 2048 says he’s back with a dire warning

Three words: President Kanye West.

Bill O’Reilly: Vegas shooting ‘price of freedom’

I thought his price of freedom was paying out a giant settlement for being a sexual harasser.

Spanish Prime Minister says Catalan Referendum didn’t actually happen

Seems it was only a dream Karen had on ‘Will and Grace’ reboot.

 Harvey Weinstein says he’s going to seek help to be a better human being

Or, if that fails, run for President.

Piers Morgan slams pro gun campaigner

If you had as many people hate you as Piers Morgan, you’d be for gun control, too.

Trump tosses paper towels at Puerto Rican recovery station

Mostly because tossing Trump Vodka and Trump Steaks might have injured someone.

RIP, Tom Petty

Today, we are all the Heartbrokens.

Woman busted trying to climb Buckingham Palace fence

And, that’s as close as Camilla Parker will ever get to being Queen.

Secretary of Treasury Mnuchin says he will use government aircraft ‘for national security, when there are no other means’

Or, when he has more than one piece of carry-on luggage.

How are Hurricanes named?

Well, they should be named after New York Mets batters, that way they wouldn’t hit anything.

Trump’s White House all but ignoring Spanish speakers

Well, y’know what they say? Russian is the new Spanish.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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