Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Rex Tillerson calls Trump a ‘F%^king Moron’
Which means his new title is ‘Secretary of Stating the Obvious.’
U.S. expels 15 Cubans
No word if Trump thinks that’ll teach Mark Cuban to stop bad-mouthing Trump.
Santa Claus’ tomb found in Turkey, archaeologists say
Surrounded by unopened boxes of ‘Cabbage Patch Kids’ and ‘Tickle Me Elmo.’
Man claiming to be from the year 2048 says he’s back with a dire warning
Three words: President Kanye West.
Bill O’Reilly: Vegas shooting ‘price of freedom’
I thought his price of freedom was paying out a giant settlement for being a sexual harasser.
Spanish Prime Minister says Catalan Referendum didn’t actually happen
Seems it was only a dream Karen had on ‘Will and Grace’ reboot.
Harvey Weinstein says he’s going to seek help to be a better human being
Or, if that fails, run for President.
Piers Morgan slams pro gun campaigner
If you had as many people hate you as Piers Morgan, you’d be for gun control, too.
Trump tosses paper towels at Puerto Rican recovery station
Mostly because tossing Trump Vodka and Trump Steaks might have injured someone.
RIP, Tom Petty
Today, we are all the Heartbrokens.
Woman busted trying to climb Buckingham Palace fence
And, that’s as close as Camilla Parker will ever get to being Queen.
Secretary of Treasury Mnuchin says he will use government aircraft ‘for national security, when there are no other means’
Or, when he has more than one piece of carry-on luggage.
How are Hurricanes named?
Well, they should be named after New York Mets batters, that way they wouldn’t hit anything.
Trump’s White House all but ignoring Spanish speakers
Well, y’know what they say? Russian is the new Spanish.