The Jerry Duncan Show: Paul Ryan Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host, Jerry Duncan, interviews Republican House Majority Leader Paul Ryan.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Republican House Majority Leader Paul Ryan.

Paul Ryan donkeyhotey
Paul Ryan. Image by donkeyhotey, flickr.com.

PAUL RYAN

Hello.

JERRY

You sure you’re not Eddie Munster?

RYAN

Yes. My DNA test turned out negative. Funny thing though, the test did show I’m part weasel.

JERRY

You’ve been in Congress for 18 years. What have you learned?

RYAN

Absolutely nothing. It’s a great job. You get paid a lot of money to do nothing. People don’t expect us to work. It would ruin an American tradition.

JERRY

You’re the Majority Speaker of the House. You must do something.

RYAN

I’m a numbers guy. I make sure we balance the budget.

JERRY

Congress hasn’t been in the black since Bill Clinton left office. The deficit is forty seven billion dollars. Do you understand the problem?

RYAN

I don’t.

JERRY

Okay, I’ll teach you. (pause) Take your index finger and point to your head.

RYAN

Is this right?

JERRY

Perfect. Now say the initials for “mountain.”

RYAN

M, t.

JERRY

You got it. Empty, like your head.

RYAN

Wow! I’m a fast learner.

JERRY

My mother is on Social Security. Gets $1,200 a month from the Feds and lives in a trailer. And you want to take that away from her?

RYAN

The trailer?

JERRY

No numb nuts, her Social Security.

RYAN

How old is mom?

JERRY

Eighty-eight. And she doesn’t like weasels.

RYAN

(Uncomfortable) Let me clarify my position. If a person reaches 88 years old, they will be entitled to Social Security. Everyone else is on their own. Hey, I need money for retirement. I can’t live off a $200,000 a year pension if we give people over 62 years old Social Security.

JERRY

Let’s look at your record. You support tax cuts for welfare, child care, food stamps and other Federal assistance programs including Pell Grants. All of which help the needy.

RYAN

What are Pell Grants?

JERRY

The Feds subsidize college tuition for poor kids.

RYAN

Yep. Then I’m against it.

JERRY

What’s your solution to reducing the deficit?

RYAN

I suggest we eliminate the capital gains tax and the estate tax for the wealthy. That’s how you get a balanced budget. There’s an old Chinese proverb, “Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.”

JERRY

Moving on. You were hand picked for the Speaker job by your former boss John Boehner. How did that happen?

RYAN

Well, one night John had been drinking heavily. He knocked on my door. I was standing there half asleep in my jammies and Green Bay Packer stocking cap. His whiskey breath combined with cigarette smoke almost knocked me over.

JERRY

What a loser.

RYAN

John was babbling something. He said that people were mean to him and his dad needed help at the tavern. Very strange since I knew the tavern had been closed for decades. He then blurted out “I quit, you’re in charge of the House.”

JERRY

Yeah. So?

RYAN

John passed out on the floor. Long story short, I was voted in by my colleagues to lead the House. It’s the biggest accomplishment of my career except when I got to kiss Mitt Romney’s ass in 2012 during the presidential campaign.

JERRY

Yikes! I’m ending it here, fella. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.